Working In the Hole

At Valdosta State Prison I work as a mental health counselor for the inmates "in the hole" or as it's more properly termed--the inmates who are housed in the isolation/segregation cells. There are a couple of ways they come to be here. About two thirds are there because of disciplinary reasons that can range from anything to assault on staff or other inmates to one of their favorite tricks of exposing themselves to female staff. The other third have placed themselves voluntarily because they do not feel safe in the general population. In a cell by yourself or with another inmate also housed on "protective custody" there's less chance of being stabbed with a shank or taking a shot to the head with a lock in a sock.

I'm charged with seeing all the inmates in segregation/isolation who are on the mental health caseload once a week. In J Building, where I work, there are usually between sixty and seventy inmates housed there in a given week. I walk around the building pretty much daily and speak to them through the door of their cell and if it's called for, I might have an officer take them out to see them in a cage where there's more privacy.

A typical interaction might go like this:

I knock on the cell door and open the door flap that is usually latched over the window of the cell.

"You guys doing okay?" I say. I peer inside and flip on their light. Usually the two inmates are lying in their bunks. Most of the time they don't want to be bothered to talk, but they've learned I won't leave them alone until they at least give me an indication they're alive.

"We're alright," they might say or they might flash me a peace sign or offer a thumbs up. If one is in a particularly surly mood they might say something like, "Get the Hell away from my door." When this happens I generally oblige them.

I always carry word puzzles like sudoku, crosswords, and word-finds to the hole with me and you would think they were as valuable as gold by the way the inmates beg for them. I also will sometimes throw in some literature about cognitive/behavioral therapy or something philosophical or thoughtful I've printed off online just in case they happen to be interested. I figure that if you're "in the hole" you have a lot of time to think and read if you choose to use it.

Another all too common interaction I have with the inmates in lockdown goes something like this:

I open the window flap and the inmate is standing in front of me either with a sheet tied around his neck or showing me a small piece of a razor blade.

"I can't take this shit any more," he says. "Get me out of here or I'm going to kill myself."

"Okay," I say. "Tell me exactly why you want to kill yourself."

"I already told you. Get me out of this room or I'll do something and then it's going to be on you. I ain't playing games."

But I've come to learn that they almost always are playing games. Generally it's the same group of inmates who engage in this kind of behavior. If I know the person and his pattern of behavior, I handle this situation much differently than if I don't. If I'm not familiar with him, I'll take the safe route. I'll immediately call one of the prison psychiatrists and tell them about the situation. The psychiatrist almost always orders that the inmate be placed in the crisis unit in a paper gown without any property that he might use to harm himself.

But the problem with this intervention is that in most cases the inmate does not genuinely want to harm himself at all, but is angling to be moved out of lockdown. Even though they're still restricted in the crisis unit, many of them prefer to be there for a number of reasons. They get to be in a cell by themselves there. They also have more contact with the female nurses, which is a strong motivation for many of them, and generally get a break from the rather oppressive environment that is endemic to being "in the hole".

It's not that I have any real objection to the inmate getting a break from his environment once in awhile, but there are only a limited number of crisis beds, and in my opinion, they should be saved for inmates with a genuine mental health related crisis rather than those who have learned to manipulate their environment by engaging in negative behaviors. It's always a judgment call and generally I'll still speak to the psychiatrist about it just so we're all on the same page, but if I think the inmate is pretty much just jerking my chain, I'll say something like: "Do you really want to kill yourself or are you just trying to get out of lockdown?"

Sometime they'll come clean at that point and admit that's exactly what they're trying to do. Other times they'll get angry that I've called their bluff and curse me up and down telling me how he's going to sue me, his family's going to sue me, and how I'm generally the most uncaring, horrible human being he's ever come into contact with. Or they might then claim that they are floridly psychotic. They are hearing the voice of their dead grandmother telling them to "go ahead and do it" or the walls are closing in on them and blood is pouring from them. What am I going to do about it?

In cases like these I'm generally less than impressed and I walk away. Mind you, I only do this is I'm completely confident the inmate's behavior is strictly manipulative. If I have the slightest suspicion that they're genuine, I take the appropriate measures. It's a fine line to walk sometimes but it's necessary. If every inmate who made bogus claims of suicidality were allowed to go to the crisis unit, the security officers would hate me and it would result in all kinds of chaos in the lockdown unit as the inmates would take advantage of my gullibility or chicken heartedness and constantly be claiming they were about to do themselves in.


The condition of many of the inmates in the hole is downright pitiful. There are some that stay locked down for over a year on protective custody or because they present particularly difficult disciplinary problems. They are allowed to stand outside in the "rec cages" outside the unit for up to an hour a day, but many choose not to even come out of their cells for that length of time. After such a long period of time existing behind a locked door you can see the color of their skin become more and more sallow and their general physical and mental well-being slowly deteriorate.

The inmates in lockdown often have all kinds of trouble getting basic things like clean clothing or a toothpaste at times. A prisoner there was recently punished by having all of his clothes and property removed for a day because he was screaming and kicking his door constantly while the warden was inspecting the unit. When asked why he was doing this, he said that he was just trying to get the warden's attention in hopes that he might be able to finally get some clean underwear from laundry.

Often when they speak to me through the crack in their door, their breath almost knocks me over, and there's no way it could be that bad if they were brushing their teeth at all regularly. Many tell me they don't brush because they can't get a toothbrush or they've run out of toothpaste, and haven't been able to get a new tube in months. There are certain inmates who also never take advantage of "shower call". They begin to exude a pungent odor after awhile that can be detected by my nose when I'm still two or three doors away from them. The lack of hygiene is also a factor in the constant problem of staph infections that is always present in the lockdown unit.

Speaking of a lack of hygiene, another one of the inmates' favorite tricks to force staff to pay attention to them is to flood the unit by jamming a shirt or a jumpsuit in their toilet, and then flushing it repeatedly until water flows under their door and throughout the entire unit. Once when I was there and this was occurring, I watched as several solid pieces of feces floated by my foot.

Speaking of feces, I am reminded of another occasion when I was sent to evaluate an irate inmate and found that he had spread this fragrant substance so thickly over his cell door window I couldn't see inside. Trying to hold my breath as I spoke, I asked him if he could kindly tell me why he was engaging in this behavior and could he take a moment to speak to me. This fellow did come to the door and with his finger, he traced the words FUCK YOU on the window. I saw through his letters that he was standing there naked and covered from head to toe in the stuff.

On yet another occasion, I was called to see a fellow and found him lying prone and naked on the concrete floor of the outside rec pen also covered from head to toe in his own feces. He began to tell me how aliens had invaded his body and the only way he could expel them was to cake his body in such a fashion as I now witnessed. In the midst of this explanation, another neighboring inmate's smart crack of some kind caused him to suddenly double over in laughter and lose his groove. When I accused him of faking, he said, "hey man just get me out of this hellhole alright?" Amused, but convinced the man was more actor than schizophrenic I left him to his devices.

Working in the lockdown unit on a daily basis as I have for over two years now has become a bit tiring and tedious and I often wonder if I'm really helping people at all by being there. It's certainly not a place conducive to accomplishing meaningful therapy. But on the plus side, it is always intriguing because you never know what's going to happen there and in some ways it's like taking a short walk to a third world country where an entirely different sub-culture exists. I also like to think that I do bring a little humanity to an inhumane place from time to time and do my best not to become jaded and insensitive in the process.


All in all, I suppose it's an interesting way to make a living.

To Write or Not to Write

When I was a kid, I loved to make up stories. I'd come up with tales off the top of my head about monsters, aliens, and magical creatures for my mother's entertainment. She seemed to enjoy hearing them and would tell me what an imaginative little boy I was for being able to think of such things. I loved to hear her praise and the more she praised me, the more stories I wanted to make up for her. I was in the first grade the first time I wrote one of my stories down for my mother's review, and she encouraged me to write down stories to my heart's content. I also began to notice that it wasn't just her praise that made me want to write stories. It was also the essence of the story itself that inspired me. I loved the act of bringing something to life that had not existed before I set my pencil to paper. It seemed like a magical process, and remains so to this day.

When I was in the second grade, I won a school-sponsored county wide contest for creative writing for a story I jotted down in about five minutes. The story was about a fat pig named Cloney who loved to eat jelly until he was warned by his friend Bony that the farmers were fattening him up with the jelly so they could make bacon out of him. With that revelation in mind, Cloney inspired his friend to help him invade the farmer's house, run the poor fellow out of town, and steal all his jelly.

I was doubly surprised to learn I'd won this contest because I had thought it was just an assignment from my teacher. I had no idea it would be entered into a contest.I reveled in the attention this award brought me from my teacher and the school in general. It made me feel like someone special, and caused me to identify myself as a writer. It seems to me that winning that award should have propelled me to making a career for myself as a writer. I should have written stories in a mad rush from that day to this. But that hasn't happened in spite of the fact that I still love writing stories as much as I did when I was a little kid, and that I take the craft of writing very seriously. Writing is one of my favorite things to do and an activity I consider almost sacred. In spite of this fact, at the ripe old age of thirty-eight, I still have not become the published writer I've dreamed my whole life of becoming.

I have had a few of my stories published on science fiction and horror fiction web sites, and have placed a lot of my writing on a site called fanstory.com, but overall I certainly don't have an impressive writing resume. I've never even completed a truly novel-length story although I have written some 150,000 plus words of one called The Legend of Dreaming Eagle. But I've abandoned that story recently because it reads so juvenile to me now although I haven't entirely given up on it. It's a story I've thought out so thoroughly in so much detail and the characters still seem very alive to me. It's just a matter of figuring out how to fix it up and being re-motivated to do so.

Getting discouraged and abandoning my work at certain points has become a pattern for me. Sometimes I think the idea that I could possibly write a story well enough to get an agent to represent me who would then be able to convince a publishing house to pay me for my writing seems like a far fetched dream, and that I'm deluding myself to believe otherwise. Every book I've read about writing declares in no uncertain terms that publishing a book is hard and that a writer should expect setback after setback before he experiences success, so who am I to believe I would be the exception to the rule--the one who was talented and dedicated enough to succeed where so many others did not? But on the other hand, I'm not always wowed by published books and rarely have the feeling that the quality of a book I'm reading would be beyond my ability to create.

I think the obstacles that have prevented me from fulfilling my writing potential are all within myself. I've always been a little embarrassed to even let people know that I write because it seems like a pompous statement somehow--like you're saying you're this dreamy person who claims to have this authoritative knowledge about the human condition or something. Then the person wants to know what you write, and then when you're forced to explain you write fiction and haven't published anything except for in a couple of obscure e-zines, I imagine people wonder how you even call yourself a writer with a straight face. But I do think a key for me in really becoming a writer would be able to make this statement with confidence and to not be so self conscious about revealing my work. I always feel like I want people who read my stories to feel the same passion for them that I do, and if they don't, I feel discouraged although I know logically that people's opinions about my writing should not matter so much, and that I, as much as anyone else, can benefit from constructive criticism. It's always a catch-22 for me. I want people to read my writing, but at the same time I feel very self-conscious about letting them. I've always felt that if I could actually publish something that would appear in a physical book, I would feel validated enough about my writing to be able to declare myself a writer without hesitation.

But I also realize that writing to get published is not the best reason to write. The best reason to write is for the story itself. I've come to discover that I have to keep this fact in mind if I'm going to write as regularly and with as much discipline as I should to accomplish my goals. I have to forget about writing for anyone but myself. If it sounds right and true for me, I should go with it, and if it doesn't, I should change it. I also have to remember that good writing is always about the story and the writing itself. It's really no different from when I was a little kid making up stories for my mother. I believe there are many unwritten magical stories residing in my imagination just waiting for me to let them out. I just have to have the faith and the discipline to let them be. Hopefully everything else will take care of itself, and if it doesn't--if I'm never the published writer I'd like to become, then at least I will have let stories come to be that would not have existed otherwise, and I believe there's something mystical and wonderful about that even if few people ever read my work and I know that the greatest failure would not be in failing to be published, but in failing to write at all. 

Walking The Razor's Edge

I've been thinking lately about how we all live on a razor's edge. It seems that our lives and our world are so fragile. One minute, we can be walking around relatively happy and satisfied, and then something can happen completely beyond our control to change everything. Right now, for example, things seem to be going okay for me. I'm happily married. I have an okay job that gives me enough money to get by. I have the freedom and time to pursue my writing to some degree. I have a few good friends and things are okay with my family. But I know that all of that could change so quickly. I could find out that I or someone I'm close to has a serious illness. Some natural disaster could come along and knock my whole life all kilter. I could have a car wreck, lose my job, or become the victim of a serious crime. There's really no limit to all the disasters that could befall me without the slightest warning, and knock me off the razor's edge I currently walk upon so complacently. And what's more, it's not a question of if this will happen, but when.

This is something I find myself thinking about often as I try to go to sleep at night. I often worry that if I become too happy I will jinx myself and cause something bad to happen. I wish I knew some kind of ancient Chinese secret or Jedi mind trick to keep everything bad away from my life. I don't want any part of it. I want things to stay good for me forever. But of course I know in my rational mind that it can't happen and that dreading a tragic, disruptive event occurring in my life is a little like dreading a workday Monday on a Sunday afternoon. I have no control over it coming. I only have control over how I will react when it does.

Of course I haven't been entirely insulated from tragedy in my life, and knowing what it's like probably contributes to my worry that it will come again. When I was fifteen, my mother died of cancer after a year long battle with it, and I can confidently say that it was the pivotal event of my life. I have no idea how my life would be different if it hadn't happened. I only know that it would be. I can also say that when it happened I certainly had no strategy in place regarding how to deal with it. I just kept going, and tried not to worry about it too much although there was no doubt it profoundly affected me regardless of how I tried to pretty much ignore it.

I wonder if I would do the same thing now in similar circumstances, or if growing older and more mature has given me the tools and the wisdom to deal with such events more ably. I don't know and hope I don't have to find out any time soon. I suppose that dealing with tragedy and suffering is traditionally the province of religion, and there's no doubt that it's given great comfort and relief to people throughout history although it seems that different religions have different ideas about the ways suffering should be dealt with. Buddhism and other Eastern religions, for example, teach that the root of all suffering is desire. We suffer because we desire what we can't have, and even satisfying our desires temporarily only leads to more desire and thus more suffering. Therefore a human is better served to quell his desires not by resisting them, but by accepting whatever comes without questioning.

I recall a story I heard somewhere about a Buddhist master who lived in a small, isolated hut in a remote region. One night, a thief breaks into his hut and steals all of the simple possessions that the Buddhist master owns. The master wakes up and catches the thief in the act. The thief is frightened and prepares himself for a fight, but instead the master removes his coat, hands it to the thief, and asks if there is anything else he can give him. Confused, the thief flees into the night. When he is gone, the master goes outside into the cold night, looks up at the moon, and smiles.

The lesson, of course, is that the thief could steal all the master's possessions, but he could not steal the inner peace the master possessed inside of himself. I think this same lesson is also illustrated in some of the teachings of Jesus such as when he tells us to turn the other cheek if we are slapped, and in instructing the rich young man to give all of his possessions to the poor. Jesus, like Buddha, seemed to believe that we did not need possessions or material things to make us rich because true richness only exists within, not without.

Also, the entire appeal of Christianity, it seems to me, is in the story of the horrible suffering that Jesus endures on the cross. The way He handles His pain and fear is what resonates so strongly with people in the world throughout time. It is the reason that Christianity has become one of the world's greatest religions. If Jesus had not suffered in his death, would people have been moved to the same extent? I don't think so.

But I notice an important difference between the Christian way of handling suffering and the Buddhist way when Jesus is resurrected. The resurrected Jesus has transcended the suffering that is such a constant part of the human condition. He no longer feels pain and is no longer at the mercy of the slings and arrows that all mankind is subject to. So, to me, this illustrates that the ultimate way a Christian gets through suffering is to endure it with the knowledge that something better and greater is waiting for us when this life of pain and sorrow is completed. This is in contrast to Eastern teachings which tell us to look inside of ourselves to relieve our suffering without any explicit promise of anything better after death. In some ways, this way of seeing things is more optimistic than the Western way which seems to say there is really nothing to be done to relieve our suffering in this life, but we can look beyond ourselves to a paradise in the next one.

As for me, I simply have no confidence that any afterlife exists at all. Perhaps it's a lack of faith on my part, but the idea of a Heaven or a Hell seems more like wishful thinking to me than anything that is real in the tangible sense of the word. Therefore, I am more inclined to look inside of myself in the here and now as a way to cope with the suffering and the hardships that none of us, as humans, are immune to, and I believe strongly that the way you view things that happen to you are much more important than the things themselves.

Having said that, I certainly am under no illusions that I have any idea of how I will handle real tragedy or misfortune if and when it comes to me. I suspect when it comes down to it, I'm not that much different than my fifteen-year old self who simply did the best he could to deal with a life changing tragedy the only way he knew how. So, in the meantime, I will enjoy the good life I currently have, and keep on walking the razor's edge as carefully as I am able.

A Feline Has His Say--Oliver James Speaks Out.

            The humans call me Oliver James or "Ollie" for short.

 
So Charlie the Human has kindly stepped aside today to allow me to blog for myself. It was really nice of him to loan me this forum, especially considering he has so very few regular readers--next to none that I know of. Maybe he thought I could give him a jump start. Kind of sad to be leaning on his pet cat for a popularity boost don't you think?

But I really shouldn't be so hard on him. He's got his flaws, but isn't a bad guy as people go. He's pretty good about keeping my food bowl filled, empties my litter box on a semi-regular basis, and picks up those pesky hairballs up when I cough them up without too much complaint. He's also got a soft lap and mad skills as a chin-scratcher. I could do without the guy forcing me into a pet carrier and driving me to the vet from time to time, but I think his heart's in the right place even there. The truth is I love my humans--Charlie and Maria. Without them, I might still be languishing in a shelter somewhere putting up with annoying kittens and horrible dogs.

But the reason I wanted to guest blog today isn't to prove that a cat can type and write coherent words, or to help my owner improve the popularity of his blog. What I want to do instead is set the record straight. To amuse themselves, my humans have invented this whole mythology about me based on nothing but their imaginations. I don't fully understand why they feel the need to contrive these fictions. Why can't they let a cat just be a cat? The truth is that I'm nothing more and nothing less. Admittedly, I have a few peculiarities. I prefer ice cubes to meat of any sort for example, and I do enjoy running to the door to greet my humans when they come home from work much as a canine might, but these are only personality quirks, and not evidence that I am somehow fundamentally different than the other millions of cats out there.

The humans come up with these stories off the top of their heads and then elaborate on them like they just discovered a new kind of catnip or something. I'm sure as soon as I refute these myths, they'll come up with fresh ones and I'll have to come back in a few months and try to salvage my reputation all over again. I do my best to curl up into a tighter ball in my sleeping place on top of the couch and pretend I don't hear these wild tales at all, but they still get to me sometimes in spite of my best efforts, prompting me to finally speak out today to let the truth be known.


First of all, you might have heard I'm quite the music fan, and that I especially enjoy progressive funk groups like TV on the Radio and Kings of Leon. I have nothing against these musicians and I'm sure they make great music, but the truth is that I have no special affinity for them. I'm greatly annoyed when the humans play their songs for my benefit and make a fuss over how much I'm supposedly enjoying them.

I want to take this opportunity to let the humans know that I am not enjoying it, and would rather snooze the day away than to ever hear a note of it again. In other words, Charlie, My Sex is NOT on Fire for that song. Do you understand me? And no, I don't care about a band full of nerdy looking black guys like TV on the Radio either even though the lead singer of that group does sound like a female in heat when he hits a high note. If you insist on making me listen to music, I'm much more partial to the cacophony of a shaking treat bag.

I also do not especially abhor the Mumord & Sons hit Little Lion Man as the humans claim. It's a catchy enough tune as far as I'm concerned although you have to admit it's a little overplayed and the way the guys in the band dress remind of those annoying air-condition repairmen that showed up at my house uninvited one day. Tried all day for a simple head scratch from one of those characters, and they tried to act like I didn't exist. Didn't care for the cut of their jibs at all. It's no wonder they grew up to have a job with their name on their shirt.

Speaking of names, the humans are also always wondering if I know mine. Of course I understand they refer to me as Oliver James based on a song they like by Fleet Foxes, and I do relate to the appropriateness of the lyrics as they apply to my situation:

Oliver James. 
Washed in the Rain. 
Nooo loooonger.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41HarInmUxk

It's a pretty song I must admit. But what the humans don't understand about names is that their name for me is insignificant. Would I expect them to respond if I made up a name for them? Certainly I could make a distinctive cat noise up to represent each of them, but wouldn't I be guilty of a fair amount of arrogance if I started making such noises and expected them to come running whenever I did so? Coming when you're called is fine for dogs I suppose, but it's not for me. I've got a little more pride than that.

The humans have also perpetuated the myth that paints me as a sort of surly, contemptuous, cynical character. They get this idea because of my natural expressions. Sometimes I do look at them with an eye half open or with an are-you-serious smirk on my face, but this has nothing to do with feeling they are somehow clueless, exasperating, disgusting, or just plain stupid. Their interpretations of my expressions are completely false. It's just because I'm a cat, and that's how my face looks. I can't help it. I actually possess quite an angelic character, and am possibly the kindest, most tolerant kitty any of you have ever seen. If the humans were a little brighter and not quite as full of themselves, they would realize as much.

The last misconception I want to clear up is also the most ridiculous. Both of my humans have invented and discussed at great length my fictitious love for alpacas. The truth is that I was not aware that any such animal existed before they began the salacious rumor that I feel a strong sexual attraction for these creatures. Furthermore, they have accused me of being involved in an on again-off again, emotionally destructive relationship with an especially wooly and superficially charming alpaca called Albert. Apparently Albert and I have quite a torrid relationship. We can't live with each other, but simultaneously we can't stand to be apart.

Where did such an abominable idea come from may I ask?? As far as I can tell, alpacas are just goofy looking furry creatures that aren't too far removed from goats. If one ever appeared in my house, I'd crawl right under the bed and refuse to budge until the nasty thing had left.

Well...I say that, but I guess they are pretty cute from the photos the humans have shown me thinking that the mere sight of one would cause me to drool uncontrollably and preen in front of it or something. I'd prefer a glass of ice water and a couple of treats of course, but alpacas have a certain charm I suppose...

It occurs to me as I try to wrap this up before Charlie the computer hog gets too impatient that the reader might see my very ability to write this as proof that I am quite an extraordinary feline in spite of my protests to the contrary. Well maybe I am, and maybe there's quite a story of how I got this way as well. But I'm not telling any of you. A cat without its secrets isn't much of a cat. That's what my mama used to tell me back when we lived on that reservation in South Dakota with that old shaman...but that's already saying too much.

If you want to know how an ordinary cat like me learned to read, write, and express his thoughts so clearly to humans, you'll just have to use your imaginations...kind of like my humans do.

                                                 

I Hope It Was A Dream

Inspired by Halloween season and recently seeing Paranormal Activity 2, I was trying to remember the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. I drew a blank at first, thinking I've lived a pretty unscary life for the most part. I've grown up to be a pretty hard-headed rationalist who tends to scoff at the idea of ghosts, goblins, demons, or other monsters stalking humans. That side of me believes these things have no basis in reality are nothing but remnants of humankind's unenlightened, superstitious past. 

But another part of me is bored by skepticism and becomes rapt with fascination when it comes to things that go bump in the night, thrilled with the idea that the rational side of me is wrong, and that perhaps a supernatural world that follows different rules exists alongside the one we see in our everyday lives.

The closest I've ever come to perhaps having an encounter with that world occurred when I was only four or five years old. My mom, dad, and I lived in a trailer park in Valdosta, Georgia at the time. In my bedroom there, I was cursed with many bad dreams. Perhaps this was because I had only recently been weaned from sleeping with my parents. There were some nights when I would still try to sneak in their room, but these efforts consistently ended in failure when they forced me out again. My efforts were so persistent that they took to locking me out, and I would protest by carrying a pillow and a sheet down the hall, and laying down to sleep in front of their door. But this tactic ultimately proved unsuccessful because the discomfort of the location would soon outweigh my desire to sleep with my parents, and I would slink back to my room to try to make the best of things.

The worst nights were the ones when I was sent to bed while my parents stayed awake. I felt painfully excluded on these nights. I could hear them talking and laughing, and it bothered me that they could seem so happy without my presence. I would lie in bed determined to stay awake until they went to bed themselves so that the following morning I could tell my mother that there was no sense sending me to bed early. I could stay up as long as they could if I wanted. But invariably I would fall asleep before the house went dark, and would wake up hours later after a nightmare to a silent house. These were dreams that did not dissipate in the morning. Their effects would linger into the following day, and being the contemplative sort, even as a child, I spent a great deal of time thinking about them.

The nightmares were recurring, and of three different types. The first, and least terrifying although still oddly scary, was of a pack of miniature black puppies with beady red eyes. They would suddenly pour from my closet like a swarm of locusts and bound onto my bed. I would stand up and try my best to throw them off, but it was a hopeless cause. The ones I removed from the bed would only jump onto it again as soon as I set them down, and others would leap onto it as I did so. This would continue until my bed was completely infested with the things. Eventually I would wake up with my heart pounding, sweating and panting.

While this dream was disturbing, I did not feel threatened by the bounding puppies. It was only that I did not wish to share a bed with hundreds of them. I have sometimes tried to figure out if this dream held some sort of Freudian or symbolic message, but I have drawn a blank on what it might have been.

The second and more frightening recurring dream was of a hoboish looking overweight witch who would appear in the doorway of my room and come to stand at my bedside to peer down on me. She didn't speak, but I understood somehow that she wanted me to go with her back to wherever she came from. I would stare at her, paralyzed with fear as she placed a hand on me. As she did so, I would find myself transported to what I understood to be her world. I stood in a long hallway walking beside the witch who held my hand against my will. Against the walls on either side stood armless puppet-like creatures with sunken in cheeks and beady eyes. On their heads they wore hats of all types. The hallway was dimly lit, as if by candlelight, and I did not know where we were going, or what the puppets wanted from me, but I also did not want to find out. My fear would finally get the best of me, and I would flee from the witch. This would prompt a cacophony of noise from the witch and all the puppets surrounding me. The entire mob would chase me down the corridor as I fled. But running is hard in dreams, and within moments, the witch's gnarled hand would take hold of my arm. Then I would wake up, finding myself safe in bed, immensely relieved I had only been dreaming.

This dream was terrifying to me mostly because of how real it seemed in the moment and its linear nature. I wonder now if I've filled in the blanks after the fact, but I don't think that was the case. It was just an exceptionally scary dream that recurred more times than I care to recall.

But it still wasn't the scariest dream. There was a third one that, thankfully, didn't recur as often as the others. I believe it only happened three times, but the third one was the worst of all. It was the dream that seemed to end them all...if it was a dream at all.

In this dream, I would be laying in bed on the verge of sleep when I would hear something beating on the wall that my bed was pressed against. I would look to see what was there and see one of the witch's puppets banging its head against the wall and staring at me. It did nothing else...only stared and after a moment it would pound its head against my head and stare at me again. In the first two dreams of this type, there were two puppets. One appeared at the foot of my bed, and another at the middle. The one in the middle wore a derby hat while the other wore a straw one. For some reason, the middle one seemed the most sinister. I literally feared for my life when I had this dream, and dreaded its coming.

The third and final time that I had this "dream" is one of the most vivid memories of my childhood, and I sometimes wonder if it was truly a dream at all although I have no other explanation for it. It happened on one of those nights when I was sent to bed early. For some reason, I was even more upset than usual about being forced to bed early. Feeling very angry, I attempted to stay awake until after my parents went to bed as usual. But, also as usual, I failed. I was rudely wakened sometime later by an awful racket of something hitting the wall the bed was pushed against. I already knew what was happening before I turned to see. The puppet thing had come to get me. I saw it glaring at me in the dim light of my nightlight--an armless figure pressed between the wall and the bed staring at me with beady eyes and a malevolent grin. It wore a crumpled derby hat and the remnants of a ragged shirt. For a moment, I could only stare at the thing, unable to move or speak. Then it slammed its upper body against the bed in two sharp motions. I heard the bed springs squeak from the impact, and screamed for my mother. The alarm in my voice must have been evident because she came running. She came to stand beside me and asked me what was wrong. Too terrified to speak, all I could do was point to the other side of the bed at the thing I could still see grinning at us.

She told me there was nothing there. Determined that she must be right, I turned away from the thing and begged her to let me sleep with her and Daddy. But she said my dad would simply not allow it, and I said there was no way I was staying in my room alone tonight with the scarecrow puppet thing. Finally, she agreed that she would sleep in my room and that I could sleep with my father. I worried that the thing would get her, but something told me it was only interested in me, and I left her there alone.

The next morning I was extremely relieved to see she had survived the night. Over breakfast, I told both of my parents about what I had seen, and also about the other two types of recurring nightmares I often had. My mother seemed concerned about my nightmares, but she assured me that the thing I'd seen against the wall had only been part of a dream and nothing more. I accepted this, but wasn't so sure she was right. My father believed that all my dreams were just an imaginative ploy to convince them to let me sleep with them.

In any case, I never had any of the dreams again after that. It wasn't long afterward that we moved out of the trailer park onto a piece of isolated land in the country. Although my room in the trailer remained the same, something about moving away from the trailer park made it less menacing, and I was no longer so afraid to sleep alone. But for many years afterward, I made it a point to never look to the wall side of my bed. I believed that if I did the scarecrow puppet thing might appear, and even now a ghost of that fear exists for me.

I've convinced myself now that it was only a dream, but every now and then there are nights when I'm not so sure.

Confessions of a Late Blooming Serial Monogamist

I was a late bloomer when it came to dating, and I'm not sure "blooming" would be the accurate term for how my evolution in that venture progressed. But somehow, my dating life had a happy ending considering I'm very satisfactorily married to someone I adore, and who appears to return the sentiment.

In high school, I did manage to bring a date to my junior and senior proms as well as a homecoming dance, but in all three cases, I was more of a convenient ride to the activity than an object of even the slightest romantic interest. I also can't blame my slow dating growth on lack of interest. Starting from about the sixth grade forward, I've found myself extremely interested in the opposite sex, but also extremely unwilling to let my interest be known. All through junior high and high school, I harbored secret crushes on various girls in my school that I did not dare disclose to anyone because I considered them out of my league, and felt I would be ridiculed if my interest in them was known. In hindsight, I might have been right to keep these feelings to myself because the truth was that I did march to a different drummer from most of my classmates. I felt like a zag among a school full of zigs, I existed so quietly and deeply inside my own head whereas it seemed that everyone around me seemed to be of quite the opposite nature. I was a pretty good athlete, a pretty good student, and not the ugliest guy around, and should have been fairly popular among my peers on the face of it, but because I was so shy and withdrawn I wasn't.

Another reason I found myself stymied when it came to dating was because I became hopelessly enthralled with the girl who lived across the street from me. She was three years younger than me which would not have mattered in later years, but then it did considering the whole thing started when I was about fifteen and she was about twelve, and probably didn't completely end until my dad married her mother when I was a Freshman in college. Thankfully, by that time, she had moved in with her father, and we were never forced to co-exist in the same house. If that had happened, it would have been downright torturous for me, and I probably would have stayed away from home as much as possible.

To this day, I'm not sure how much my obsession with her was one-sided or how much she returned my feelings. It seemed to vary from day to day when I would come to see her at first on the pretense of visiting her little brother to play Nintendo games, but later without any pretense at all. We both went to the same private school, but she did not acknowledge me there, and seemed to become angry if I made any move to even speak to her. I found the situation hopelessly frustrating, but no matter what, I couldn't seem to change my feelings for her even though I knew it was highly unlikely that we would ever be the established boyfriend and girlfriend I dreamed of us becoming.

To truly delve into the dysfunctional dynamics that seemed to be in play when it came to she and I would be a separate entry in itself, and not one I'm willing to currently explore. Suffice to say that my hopeless infatuation with her put a damper on the possibilities of me having a more productive dating experience with someone else. 

In college, my dating woes continued for the most part except for a few isolated incidents when I could have and should have put my virginity to rest for good. One of these incidents occurred in my sophomore or junior year when I met a girl at a party named Sheila. Aided by alcohol, I broke out of my oppressive shyness for a bit, and wound up spending the night at her apartment. Things became very sexual, but I couldn't seem to get past my anxiety to follow through on what was asked for. It didn't help that the girl completely freaked me out by talking about meeting me as being a sign from God, and saying she was going to arrange a trip to Disney World for us. After that night, suffice to say, I did not seek out her company again. But the incident was very significant to me because it was the most sexual experience of my life, and made me long--or should I say lust--for more. Sometime during my Junior year, I ran into a girl named Stacey who halfway became my girlfriend for the better part of a month or so, but the truth was I wasn't enamored of her at all. I just found it thrilling that she was so willing to help me explore my sexuality for a short time. However, in this case as well, I was plagued with anxiety issues when it came right down to sex, and this fact no doubt led to my encounter with her being so brief.

In 1994, I joined the Navy, and was still pretty much a no-go when it came to women until my fateful meeting with a girl from West Virginia named--I kid you not--Bonnie Jean. I met her at a country bar in Virginia Beach on a night when I had gone out only out of sheer boredom, and told myself I would drink a single beer, and then return to exile myself to the ship that doubled as my home. Halfway through the beer, I was unexpectedly served another. The bartender told me that the drink was courtesy of the two girls sitting nearby. After a minute, I gathered the courage to speak with them, and was soon deep in conversation with Bonnie Jean whose sister had ordered the drink after Bonnie had apparently expressed a favorable opinion about my appearance. Things progressed and she invited me to her home where I promptly spent the night. I still had problems with anxiety on this occasion, but this time, Bonnie Jean had the patience to help me work through them. I was twenty-four years old, and the night marked a landmark for me.

I was hot and heavy with Bonnie Jean for a little over two months until my ship left Norfolk for a six month cruise. I never saw her again after that, but she did write me a few letters during the first couple of months I was gone. When the cruise ended, and my ship returned to Virginia, I called her number, and reached her sister who informed me Bonnie had gotten married to a Marine while I had been gone. I was neither surprised or particularly heartbroken by this news, and was actually somewhat relieved. She hadn't exactly been my soul-mate. But being with her and sleeping at her house had certainly been better than flying solo all the time. I suppose the experience with Bonnie should have given me the confidence to propel me into a woman chasing frenzy, but it did not. In fact, I had nothing resembling a girlfriend again until after I finished with the Navy in 1998 although I was guilty of engaging in a random hook-up or two along the way. Not becoming involved with a girl was also somewhat by design as I didn't want anyone or anything to prevent me from returning home to finish college when my enlistment was over.

I was only out of the Navy two months before running into Carrie, a friend of the much younger girl my uncle--Super Bob-- was dating. One thing led to another, and I wound up being in a relationship with her for the better part of a year. Delving into this thing too could also be its separate entry, but in the final analysis, I can't say it was a negative experience. Carrie was pretty nuts with her over-dramatic presentations and extreme possessiveness, but she was also kind and fun in her way. She only broke up with me after honesty finally compelled me to admit I didn't see myself ever marrying her. We were living together at the time, and about three days after that revelation she moved away to parts unknown, and I have never seen or heard from her again.

It was during my post Navy time that I became what my wife terms a "serial monogamist." After Carrie came Angie who I dated for three years, and became engaged to, but in the end we went our separate ways, and I moved to Savannah for a job after graduating from grad school. There I met Karen, who I had an awesomely fun time with drinking in half the bars in Savannah, and spending almost every weekend at the beach. This lasted for a little over a year before she suddenly moved back to her home state of Connecticut after being offered a job there.

Shortly after that, I ran into she who shall not be named except for the appelation of Crazypants. Of all my relationships this was the only one that could accurately be described as unhealthy. Poor Crazypants was madly jealous and irrational on many levels. She seemed to have no limits in what she would do to keep me with her. Things with her dragged on for the better part of three years before I finally disentangled myself from her. I assume she is living in Savannah now, but I have no idea where she is or what she is doing, and am happy and relieved that that is the case.

Shortly after she was mercifully gone, I met my wife, and knew early on that I didn't ever want to date anyone else ever. Thankfully she felt the same way, and now we are happily married and living happily ever after. Prior to meeting her, I used to spend a lot of time analyzing the reasons for my rocky and hit and miss dating life. I suppose it happened just because it was how my life has played itself out. I'm just glad I don't have to be a serial monogamist any longer although except for the experience with Crazypants, I don't really regret dating any of my former relationships although I certainly stayed in some of them much longer than I should have. In the final analysis, I'm happy that the very winding road I took led me to where I am now.

I'd Rather Drink Coffee.

I keep asking myself if this Tea Party thing is only a passing fad we're going to see rehashed someday on VH-1's Remember the 2010s, or if it is a truly enduring political movement whose impact will be felt for many years to come. History will tell the story, but the influence this group appears to have had in recent elections makes me wonder how it came about, and what these white middle-class Americans, not so seemingly different from myself, are so angry about.

They profess to be angry about the increasing encroachment of the federal government onto their basic freedoms and object to what they consider to be the government spending too much money without working out where it is going to come from. They say they feel the middle-class bears too much of the financial burden for our country already, and asking more of them will only serve to finally break their back. Their name is actually an acronym that spells out their purpose: Taxed Enough Already.

Their objectives do not sound overly sinister, and I find that I can even relate to their mission. The middle-class of America certainly shoulders more than their share of  the burden of paying for our government's operation. It has always been that way, and probably always will be. If I truly believed this was what the Tea Party movement was actually about, perhaps I could join them. I certainly wouldn't mind paying less taxes. I don't particularly enjoy the idea of having an all-controlling central government determined to inject its influence ever more intrusively into my daily life, and the truth is that I would probably fit in at a Tea Party rally as easily as anyone. After all, I'm pretty much as white, middle-class, and conservative-raised as anyone could be. Why then do I find myself so viscerally disgusted by even seeing snippets of their gatherings on the news in the moments before I can reach for the remote to change the channel? Of course the media does tend to focus on the nuttiest attendees: angry white people holding signs declaring President Obama as a Nazi wannabe birth certificateless Moslem just this side of the anti-Christ, and at the same time paying homage to their unofficial queen: Sarah Palin, a woman who seems to have little interest in governing, but a lot in being as famous and rich as possible.

Should I trust my gut in finding this movement distasteful like former President Bush might, or do my negative reactions deserve to be more closely scrutinized? Being a proponent of Socrates' statement that an unexamined life is not worth living, I feel obligated to delve into the thing.

After reviewing web site after web site proclaiming the virtues of The Tea Party and the fine patriotic views it purports to stand for, I discovered my original opinion to be reinforced rather than refuted. It isn't the basic principles of the Tea Party I find objectionable although I do believe their choice of targets are misguided. Obama, Health Care, Pelosi, The Stimulus, and Bailouts appear to be buzzwords for mad as Hell Tea Partiers to throw punches at rather than the real culprits for the fundamental misfortunes of middle class Americans. My intuition tells me these issues run much deeper and are more complex than these good patriots care to ponder. These problems have also been around much longer than any of us care to think about. In my reading, I discovered this article that addresses these issues in a way that made a lot of sense to me.

But what truly bothers me about the Tea Party movement isn't what they profess to stand for. All of the rhetoric about smaller government and anger about taxes and spending is a flimsy, halfhearted attempt to disguise what it's truly about: The middle-class, white, properly God-fearing, salt-of-the-Earth types sense they are losing ground in America. Minorities of every sort are gaining power. Blacks and Hispanics are becoming more numerous, educated, and wealthy. Gay people are rapidly being accepted into the mainstream of American society. Our culture is shifting to a gradually more secular place where fundamentalist Christianity does not hold as much influence as it once did. The typical Tea Partier, who has always considered him or herself "the real Americans" our founding fathers had in mind when they put our nation together wants to fight back. They see this as their last stand--their final chance to turn America around to change it back to the country they wish it to be--a place where the can feel comfortably superior, where minorities know their place, where gay people are marginalized, and where a black man would know better than to have the audacity to run for President.

I am also convinced the Tea Party only exists because the perfect combination of variables fell into place for them. Most importantly, the economy tanked. There would be no fuel for such a movement to exist if this were not the case. Then Sarah Palin was named John McCain's running mate. The Tea Party may lack a true leader, but in her they have a perfect figurehead. She seems to voice their cause so perfectly that it makes you wonder if the Tea Party was somehow conceived because of her, or perhaps the whole thing was her secret brain child. It becomes a chicken or the egg question. She is their perfect ambassador, and they give her the perfect platform to spread her seemingly simple-minded message that nonetheless obviously resonates with this segment of the population. In Barack Obama, the Tea Partiers also have the perfect foil--a black, cerebral, liberal-leaning President with a suspiciously Muslim sounding name. No Hollywood writer could have invented a better arch-villain.

Over and over, I ask myself if I am being needlessly  prejudiced and judgmental in having such an uncharitable opinion of this group. Am I being short-sighted and unfair to these people who, demographically at least, are so like me. They seem to be a group that thrives and prospers on emotion--chiefly anger--while I am a person who tends to purposefully put my emotions aside in favor of logic and rationality. Perhaps this is what truly repels me. But logic also tells me that while the Tea Party may be able to exert considerable influence in the here and now because of the power of their emotion, they will not be an enduring force in American politics. How could such extreme Tea Party based candidates such as Carl Palladino and Christine O'Donnell be anything but flash fires that burn white-hot, but also quickly extinguish themselves? If I was to return five years from now to read this post, would I say to myself--'I can't believe the Tea Party was such a big deal I put this much energy into writing about them,' or will I think that this was just the tip of the iceberg for them as I try to ignore the television as it plays Sarah Palin's State of the Union Address filled with cutesy winks and references to Mama Grizzlies.

For the sake of our country, I hope not, and my gut says it could never happen...

Doesn't it?