The Pitch

He was dreaming about the pitch again when the phone woke him. He lifted it off the bedside table.

"Is this Stanley Maher?" a woman's voice asked.

"Yes."

"Sir, do you know my father, Michael Etheridge?"

Stanley couldn't suppress a chuckle. "Yes, ma'am. I'm familiar with the man. I've never had the pleasure of meeting his daughter though."

"You wouldn't have. We haven't been on speaking terms until the last couple of weeks. He asked me to call you. He says he has something important to tell you and wants to do it in person."

"What's your name, Michael Ethridge's daughter?"

"Sandra." Her tone suggested she was surprised he wanted to know.

"Why are you calling me instead of him?"

She took a deep breath. "He's dying," she said. "He hasn't been able to get out of bed for the last three days. He's got cancer. I'm not even sure what kind. He won't talk to me about it except to say he's known for the last six months."

"Don't feel bad, Sandra. He didn't tell me either."

An overlong silence stretched between them.

"Mr. Maher?" she finally said. "Are you going to come? I'm afraid he's not going to last much longer. He can barely speak as it is."

"I'll be there," he said.

"Thank you. It will mean a lot to him."

He lay in bed another ten minutes thinking before his wife finally stirred. "Were you talking on the phone?" she asked.

"It was Mike's daughter."

"Mike's daughter? I didn't realize he had a daughter."

"Apparently they've been estranged until the last couple of weeks."

"What did she want?"

"She said he's dying of cancer and isn't going to last much longer. He wants to tell me something in person. I need to be there today."

"You're going to go to New York today? Just like that?"

"Yes. I have to. He would do the same for me."

"Are you sure about that? I'm sorry that he's dying, but I can't pretend to not believe he's one of the most selfish, self-centered, arrogant men I've ever known."

"I know how you feel about him, Sharon. And you're not alone. But there's a different side to him too. He's a good man down deep. He loves me like a brother. All that other stuff is just a mask."

"You know what, honey? If you wear a mask long enough, you can't take it off."

"I know, but I'm going to see him."

****************************************

Three hours later, he was boarding a plane in Atlanta bound for New York. He saw the flickers of recognition on the faces of a few people passing by, but thankfully no one approached him. He wasn't disappointed to find his celebrity waning with time. At his window seat, he watched the city below him turn to miniature as the plane lifted off. He let his mind drift. He rarely allowed himself to think about that day although he'd been forced to talk about it plenty in the thirty five years since on sports talk radio and television shows. It was the single most painful event of his life. It had shaped him as only the most painful things can.

He'd been in his fourth year of Major League ball that year and he'd had a better season than he could have imagined possible. He was the Braves' closer: the guy who came into the game in the ninth inning when the team was leading and needed someone to shut the other side down for good. He'd finished the season with a league best 45 saves and 101 strikeouts. People were saying he was a shoo-in to win the Cy Young Award as the best pitcher in the league for the 2011 season. He'd always known he had the potential to be good, but this magnitude of success amazed him.

He'd grown up on a South Georgia farm and taken only a casual interest in sports until he started high school. That's when he discovered he could throw a ball harder and further than almost anyone he knew. He hadn't considered playing an organized sport until his P.E. teacher, Mr. Brant, who was also the baseball coach, approached him in the lunchroom. He'd been watching the boys play flag football and was impressed by the fifty yard bombs Stanley was tossing with a little more than a flick of his right wrist.

"Why don't you come out and play baseball with us this year, Son?" he asked. "You've got a great arm on you. I bet we could turn you into a hell of a a pitcher."

"I'll think about it. My dad probably needs me to help with the planting though. It's that time of year."

"Tell you what, Son. See if your dad will let you come to practice one day and just see how you like it."

"Okay, Mr. Brant."

A couple of days later, he stayed after school for practice. His dad grumbled about needing him even that day. The north field needed harrowing and he was only one man. But he supposed it could wait until the weekend.

The first time he threw a pitch off the mound, he'd tripped and fell. The ball kicked up dirt three feet in front of the plate. The other kids guffawed at how spastic he'd looked trying to wind up like the coach showed him. Stanley's face turned beet-red.

"Forget about the windup for now," Coach Brant told him. "Just throw the ball to the catcher."

Fueled by anger and adrenaline, he threw the ball as hard as he could. This time it hit the catcher's mitt with such force that the boy who caught it yelped in pain. After the catcher put on two batting gloves under his mitt to cushion his hand, Stanley threw about ten more that split the middle of the plate with the same velocity.

"Boys," Coach Brant said, "I think we found us a pitcher."

Stanley had found something too. He'd found out being a pitcher was what he was born to be. It was like discovering he'd owned a magical gift all his life and never known it. His father allowed him to play, grudgingly at first, but after watching his son strike out eleven batters and pitch a shutout in his very first game, he was sold. Stanley's baseball career had begun.

After his senior year, he was drafted by the Atlanta Braves in the very first round and after three seasons of mowing down minor league batters, he got the call to join the Braves. They tried him as a starter at first, but Stanley struggled in that role. He had a pattern of pitching well, even dominantly, for the first couple of innings, but as the game wore on, his arm would tire and his velocity would suffer.

"You've got to hold back a bit," the Braves pitching coach, Frank Zion, was always telling him. "You can't expect to not tire if you're out there trying to hit triple digits on the radar gun with every pitch. You've got to conserve."

Stanley didn't doubt the wisdom of this but couldn't bring himself to follow through with it. Every game he'd come out pumped up, ready to spit fire at the opposition, but after about the third or fourth inning, his fastball would be down by almost ten miles per hour and his control would suffer as well. After a disastrous outing in Philadelphia in which he gave up eight runs and three homers in two innings, he lost his spot in the starting rotation.

"Let's try him in the bullpen," the Braves manager, Leo O'Steen suggested. "If he can come out and sling smoke for an inning or two and have a seat, we'll be in business."

"Sounds like a plan," Zion agreed.

Stanley didn't care for the idea at first. He saw it as an insulting demotion. But when he found he truly could let his hundred mile per hour fastball fly and throw in the splitter he was starting to perfect as well, he saw the wisdom of his coaches' decision. He blossomed and made the all-star team during his second year in the league. In his third year, he was given the role of closer and in his fourth, he and the rest of his teammates became the talk of the major leagues. They won 104 games that season and cruised to the National League pennant where they faced the mighty Yankees in the 2011 World Series.

**************************

Looking down on the fluffy clouds from his seat thirty thousand feet in the air, Stanley smiled to himself as he thought about what a different person he was in those days. He was brash, cocky, and reckless. He said and did anything he pleased. He wondered how anyone had been able to stand being around him. Maybe that was part of what made that team so good though. They played every game like they had no doubt of winning and barely offered their opponents the slightest respect. They were head and shoulders above every team in the National League that year and wanted everyone to know it.

But the Yankees team they met in the World Series was their equal. The two teams battled toe-to-toe like heavyweight boxers for six games. Every game was decided by a single run. The seventh and deciding one was no different. The fire-balling left-handed rookie, Jimmy Kent, had started the game and pitched a gem through eight innings. The mighty Yankees had managed only three singles, a walk, and not a single run against him. The Braves led 3-0 going into the ninth on the strength of a three-run homer by their usually light hitting shortstop, Sammy Linds, in the sixth.

Kent looked strong to start the ninth as well. He got the first two batters easily. Mateo Cruz, the Yankee shortstop grounded to third and Sandy Jackson, the catcher, flied out to left. With two outs and the bases empty, the Yanks sent a pinch hitter to the plate. The capacity crowd rose to its feet. chopping their foam tomahawks like a single entity as Rafael Christos, the Yankees' last hope, dug in. Kent wasted no time getting the count to 0-2 with two fast strikes on the outside corner. But then Christos fouled off four straight pitches before Kent finally missed the plate, not once, but three consecutive times. Christos fouled off two more pitches on a full count before walking on a ball off the inside corner that could have gone either way.

With a runner on first and two outs, the next batter, Michael Reynolds, hit a clean single. Then Javier Linares walked on four pitches. With two outs, the Yankees had worked the bases loaded and the crowd, cheering themselves hoarse, grew restless. The Braves manager ambled to the mound at a snail's pace to give Stanley a few extra moments to get loose in the bullpen. Kent grimaced as he handed the ball to his skipper, disappointed not to finish the job. But the crowd cheered wildly for him as he walked to the bench. The kid had pitched his butt off and they still were still confident of winning as their ace closer, Stanley Maher, trotted onto the field. One out was all they needed, but the crowd was well aware that the man who loomed on deck, Michael Etheridge, was not going to be an easy one.

Stanley remembered how Etheridge strode to the plate that night as casually as if he were playing in a spring training game rather than the seventh game of the World Series. He seemed almost sleepy as he stepped into the batter's box and took his stance. But there was nothing sleepy about the man's eyes as he stared Stanley down. He was like a sleek, ebony jaguar poised to pounce on its prey. Also in his fourth season as a pro, he'd terrorized American League pitchers all season long, hitting 45 homers with 140 RBIs. The match-up was a baseball fan's dream: the best relief pitcher in the National League facing down the best hitter in the American League with everything on the line.

Stanley remembered thinking he would have been intimidated by Etheridge if he wasn't so completely confident in himself. As it was, he'd wound up and thrown a fastball that painted the black of the outside corner like a second coat. Etheridge watched it pass and when the umpire called it a strike, he made no reaction except to stand up straight for a moment and squeeze his bat. On the second pitch, Stanley threw him his best splitter and Etheridge swung for the fences. But he whiffed as the ball fell off the table just as it reached him. The radar gun read 97 and the crowd could barely contain themselves.

The count was 0-2 and Stanley had Etheridge right where he wanted him. Nicky Ferguson, the catcher, came to the mound to discuss strategy.

"Stan the Man, you need to waste this one," he told him with his mitt over his mouth to prevent a couple of million people from reading his lips. "He's sitting dead red and he'll swing at anything in the neighborhood. Throw it half a foot outside and I guarantee he swings and misses and we're celebrating."

"Let me bust him inside, Nicky. That's the last thing he expects. Fastball in on his hands. He'll be frozen and we'll get the call."

"Try that if he takes the waste pitch. No need for nothing sweet Oh and two."

"Get back down there, Nick. I'm striking him out right now."

Stanley remembered Nick studying his eyes for a moment, tapping him on the shoulder with his mitt and going back behind the plate. In the years since, he'd spent many hours wondering what would have happened if he'd throw the pitch where Ferguson wanted it. Instead, Ferguson moved his target on the inside corner and Stanley pitched it there. Etheridge swung and made contact.

Jammed him. That was Stanley's initial thought. Etheridge hit the ball not on the sweet spot, but just above the trademark. But as he turned to see if the leftfielder had a play on it, he was shocked to see how far the ball was carrying. His teammate kept going back all the way to the warning track. He made a desperate leap for it there, but it dropped over the fence just beyond his reach. Michael Etheridge had won the Series for the Yanks with a grand slam home run. Etheridge circled the bases and was mobbed by his teammates at the plate. The Yankees celebrated as the Braves looked on in shock. Stanley felt helpless to do anything but stand on the mound in a state of disbelief.

"I jammed him," he kept muttering to himself. "How could he have hit a home run when I jammed him?"

Eventually, Nick walked to the mound and put an arm around his shoulders. "Shit, man," he said. "That's baseball. It was a good pitch and he hit it out. What the hell are you gonna do? That's just baseball."

"Should have wasted it outside like you said," Stanley told him.

"Don't tell yourself that kind of shit, Stanley. You'll go crazy like that. Let's get out of this hellhole."

He didn't know how long he would have stood there shell-shocked if Nicky hadn't helped him off the field. He honestly couldn't remember anything after that. He didn't remember undressing or showering after the game. He didn't remember driving home. He did remember waking up the next morning and wishing it was all a bad dream. But one glance at the headline of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution told him otherwise.


Maher Blows It, it read in huge, black, block letters. Under the headline was a photo of him standing on the mound hanging his head with his hands on his knees after Etheridge hit the slam.

Maher blows it. For the rest of his life, the headline and the photo clung to his memory like an albatross. No matter what else he might accomplish, this is how he would be remembered: as the guy who lost a World Series for his teammates and the entire city....hell, the entire South for that matter. He might win the Cy Young award for the season. The Braves might offer him a hefty contract for the next one. But all of those things were hollow now. He was the goat. If he played in the league twenty-five years, if he made the Hall of Fame one day, this was still how he would be remembered: as the guy who lost the Series when it was all but won, the guy who snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. And there was nothing to do but live with it.

*********************************

"We will be reaching the New York area in about fifteen minutes," the pilot announced over the loudspeaker. "It's a beautiful day and we're looking at clear skies all the way to the runway. We and the crew want to thank you for choosing American Airlines this afternoon. We hope you've enjoyed your flight."

I was hardly on it, Stanley thought.

An old timer approached him as he waited for his bag at the carousel.

"My condolences, Mr. Maher," he said, offering a hand, and grinning ear to ear. "Should have wasted that pitch, you know."

Stanley had learned to be gracious when faced with such encounters a long time ago although a part of him still wanted to ask such people if they wanted to be reminded of the worst day of their life thirty-five freaking years later.

"Tell me about it," he said, putting on a smile and shaking the man's hand.

The boob's wife took their picture, landed a couple of more barbs Stanley had already heard about a thousand times and went on his way. Watching him go, Stanley figured it would be this way as long as he drew breath.

He rented a car to drive out of the city to Mike's place. As he drove, he let his mind wander again.

After the Series that year, Mike and Stanley's career went in opposite directions. Mike's star continued to shine while Stanley struggled. In his whole career, he'd never had control problems, but afterward, he found he couldn't find the plate with a flashlight and a map. He knew it was a mental block. He even hired a personal psychologist, but nothing helped. The Braves sent him to the minors for a rehabilitation stint around mid-season, but when his problems persisted, they traded him to the Boston Red Sox. He played for Boston a grand total of two months before they released him after a disastrous outing in which he walked four consecutive batters on eighteen pitches.

He bounced around the minors for about three years after that before finally calling it quits. After fiddling around with broadcasting for a couple of years, he got a call from the Braves' organization asking him if he was interested in coaching. Wanting to be back on the field again in any capacity possible, he accepted. He'd never thought of himself as a coach, but discovered that he loved it. The teaching aspect was what he enjoyed most. That and being able to wear the uniform of the team he loved again. Soon after taking the coaching job, he met Sharon. When they first met, she had no idea he'd ever been a baseball player. That suited Stanley just fine.

He couldn't deny that the pitch Etheridge hit out of the park changed him personally as well. He was no longer the cocky, devil-may-care scoundrel of his youth. He had been humbled. He became more soft spoken and kinder. He noticed people liked him better because of it. He and Sharon married and had two children. One of his daughters had given him a grandson and the other had one on the way. He had to admit that in spite of being the ultimate goat and washing out of baseball, his life was good. He supposed everything happened for the best, but even thirty-five years later, he couldn't suppress the pain of losing that game.

Michael Etheridge's life took the opposite track. His twenty year career made him a Hall of Famer. He finished with 550 homeruns and a .300 career batting average. In spite of his greatness, he'd bounced around to six different teams and developed the reputation of being difficult and querulous. He feuded with teammates, fans, managers, and umpires, and was known to be aloof and unapproachable off the field as well.

The first time Stanley met him off the field was in Etheridge's final playing season. A radio personality, Doc Griffin, who had a nationally syndicated show, contacted Stanley to see if he was willing to sit down with Mike and discuss the home run that wrecked his career. He'd initially balked at the idea, but decided to do it after discussing it with Sharon. She said it might be cathartic. He arrived ten minutes early to the studio, but found Etheridge already there, immaculately groomed and wearing a tailored pinstripe suit. Stanley sat next to him as they waited for the host to call them in awkward silence.

"How's it going, Mike?" Stanley finally asked. "You're looking awful fit for forty. You've put on a ton of muscle since the last time I saw you, but I don't think you look a day younger."

"I have to stay fit," he answered. "That's the only way I can still be playing at my age."

Stanley took it as a slight since he and Etheridge were the same age, but Stanley, who was growing a paunch, was obviously not in playing shape. The man ruined his budding career and now had the gall to insult him to his face as well. He was trying to think of a suitable comeback when Doc Griffin's assistant called them into the studio.

"So what was going through your mind just before you threw that fateful 0-2 pitch, Stanley?" Doc Griffin asked him on-air.

"Nothing at all except striking the SOB out and winning the damn World Series. I'd thrown him two pitches on the outside edge and figured I could sneak one by him on the inside corner on the third pitch."

"You didn't consider wasting one about a foot outside to see if he'd take a swing at it?"

"You sound like my catcher, Doc. To be honest, that is what Nicky Ferguson wanted me to do on that third pitch, but I was too cocky for my own good in those days and I talked him into going for the strikeout."

"Any regrets about that decision, Stanley?"

Stanley chuckled. "Not at all," he lied. "I went for the strikeout and big Mike here hit it out. Sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you. That's what it's all about."

"What about you, Mike?" Doc asked. "What was going through your mind when that pitch was on the way?"

"It looked big as a grapefruit coming out of his hand, Doc. I just hit it and the rest was history."

"Was it the pitch you were looking for?"

"You know, I've never been the kind of player who looked for pitches. I just see the ball and hit it. That's the way I've always played the game."

"You know, after that game, you guys' careers went on different tracks. Stanley, you were beset by control problems that eventually led to you being released, and Mike, you went on to have a Hall of Fame Career. How much of that was due to that pitch and that home run?"

"That's a question I've asked myself ever since," Stanley answered. "If it did have a lasting affect, it certainly wasn't a conscious one. Baseball can be a slippery eel and it did seem to get away from me after I thought I had that sucker by the tail at the beginning of my career. I could speculate all day about whether it gave me some sort of psychological block, but I don't know. I'd like to think that wasn't the case, and to blame my lack of success afterward all on one pitch feels like a cop-out to me. So I'm not going to make that excuse, Doc."

"What about you, Mike?" Doc asked "Did that home run vault you into having a great career?"

"Not at all," said Etheridge. "A career doesn't hinge on a single pitch or a home run. Not if you have the kind of strong mind you need to thrive in this game. Only two things have allowed me to have the career I've enjoyed: God-given talent and a self-driven work ethic."

"No one's ever questioned your talent or your work-ethic, Mike. But plenty of people have questioned your ability to get along with teammates, managers, and fans. What do you have to say to those people?"

"I don't have anything to say to them. With me, what you see is what you get: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I turned forty years old a couple of months ago, Doc. And I'm not about to change my ways now."

"What would you say to people who accuse you of arrogance, Mike?"

"Like I just said, I don't have anything to say to those people. Did you have any more questions about baseball, Doc?"

The interview continued in a similar vein for another ten minutes. Stanley managed to get in a few words here and there, but overall, he felt like a third wheel. Inwardly, he was seething. In a few short minutes, Mike Etheridge had insulted him in about three different ways. When the interview ended, he confronted him as they took the elevator back to the main lobby.

"So what you were really trying to say, Mike? That I washed out of baseball because, unlike you, I'm weak-minded and untalented? Is that about right?" He tried to say it in a lighthearted tone, but couldn't keep the anger out of his voice. He'd never disliked anyone upon first meeting them as much as he detested Mike Etheridge.

"Hey, Stan, it was just an interview. I like to give them a little spice, you know? Makes it more interesting."

"You know, I used to be a redneck. Back then, I would have popped you in the mouth for saying that kind of shit. As it is, I'm fast losing my civilized ways."

"Let me know up front, Stanley. Is this a racial thing?"

Stanley felt his blood pressure spike and his face turn beet-red. He thought he was really going to punch the man right in the mouth and actually felt his fist balling up to do the deed when the elevator reached the lobby and the door opened. A group of businessmen were waiting to board. They looked at Stanley and Mike with puzzled expressions. He knew the anger on his face must have been clear as day. For some reason, the whole situation seemed absurdly comical as soon as he stepped off the elevator. He just wanted to get away from Michael Etheridge as fast as he could and never see the asshole's face again. But just as he was going to walk away, he touched him on the arm.

"Hey man," he said in a conciliatory voice. "We got off on the wrong foot. Let me buy you a drink." A part of Stanley still wanted to punch him, but the edge of anger was gone.

"Sure," he said. "Why the hell not?"

They found a bar and drank beer while they munched on a bowl of peanuts and watched a baseball game on the big screen TV.

"Sorry for what I said in the interview. It was uncalled for. Sometimes I catch myself saying shit and I say to myself, damn, Michael, no wonder everybody thinks you're a conceited, self-centered son of a bitch. Every word out of your mouth supports the notion."

"You're trying to tell me you're not a conceited, self-centered son of a bitch?" Stanley asked.

"No, man, I'm really not. It's just the words I say. It's not how I really feel."

"So change the words you say."

"I've been telling myself that for about four decades now."

They drank four beers apiece while they talked and Etheridge bought them all out of guilt. They talked about everything except that World Series game and somewhere along the way, Stanley realized they were becoming friends. After they left the bar, they shook hands and Etheridge said,

"I'm glad we did this, Stan the Man. It meant a lot to me. Someone will call us to talk about this thing again and you should take them up on it. I'll be nicer next time. I promise. I don't want to fight no redneck like you anyway. You take care of yourself and tell your wife and kids I said hello."

"Will do, Mike. It was nice to meet you too."

Mike was right. Every few months he'd get a call from someone asking he and Etheridge to come talk about the pitch and the homer on their show. He and Mike always went out for a beer or three afterward. People commented on the good chemistry the two of them seemed to have and how they genuinely liked each other. Talking about the thing wasn't his favorite subject, but it turned into a good source of supplementary income, and he always looked forward to seeing Mike. Mike only met Sharon once, but once was enough for her to hate him. Stanley and she had met Mike and his college-aged girlfriend at the time at a restaurant in Atlanta. Mike was on his worst behavior, boasting about his baseball exploits and making back-handed jibes at Stanley along the way.

"You know what, Mike," his wife had finally told him with her lips pursed in the way Stanley had learned meant she was good and truly pissed. "You might have been a great ball player, but you are one of the rudest, most classless human beings I've ever met."

Mike laughed it off, but Stanley had taken Sharon home before she tried to carve the man up with her steak knife.

*******************************

Stanley couldn't help but smile about the incident now as he reached Mike's house in the suburbs. It was too large of a house for a single man and looked to be in general disrepair. The yard was unmowed and the hedges in desperate need of trimming. He rang the doorbell and Mike's daughter answered it. Stanley immediately recognized the intensity of her father's eyes. She was an attractive, slender woman, but looked as if she'd lived too much too young.

"Hi, Mr. Maher," she said. "Thank you for coming. Hurry. I think he's been holding on just to talk to you. I don't think he's got much longer." She led him to the bedroom.

Stanley gasped when he saw him. Mike's eyes were closed, but he opened them when Stanley walked in and seemed to perk up the slightest bit. His every breath was a labor and Stanley could hardly believe the brittle, shrunken skeleton lying there was the same impeccable, chiseled man he'd become friends with. He wondered how long he'd suffered in silence with this disease before it got the best of him. It took Stanley a moment to overcome his shock and realize Mike wanted him to lean down so he could speak to him.

"What was your first thought when I hit that ball?" he whispered into Stanley's ear.

"I thought I jammed you," Stanley answered.

You couldn't believe I hit it out when you jammed me like that, could you?"

"No, Mike. I really couldn't. It seemed like you must have had superhuman strength to do that."

Stanley wasn't surprised. It seemed somehow just like Mike to want to talk about the home run in his dying breath. Mike gathered his strength to tell him something else.

"You could say that," he said. "I was on steroids. That's why I was so strong."

"Steroids? You couldn't have been. They tested us like crazy. You couldn't have gotten away with it."

"I got around the tests. I knew how. I cheated, Stan. My whole career. I hit that homer because I cheated. You deserved better, Stan. I'm sorry."

"I don't believe you. You're just trying to make me feel better about it. It would have come out if you were juicing. People would have known and it would have come out."

Mike shook his head and Stanley thought it was the saddest gesture he'd ever seen. "Not if you were as careful as me. All my drugs, all my records are in the basement. Go find them."

He reached for Stanley's hand and held it with surprising strength. "I'm nothing but a cheater, Stan. Everything I ever accomplished was a lie. But I just want to thank you for being my friend anyway." He let go of Stanley's hand, closed his eyes and died.

Stanley stood in the room for several minutes, unable to speak. Sandra stood next to him with dry eyes. "I suppose I have to plan a funeral now," she said.

He noted her coldness, but supposed Mike was never much of a father to her. "I'll help you," he told her.

"Thank you," she answered. "Are you going to look in the basement?"

"I'd rather not. He might have been delusional there at the end. Besides, if he was telling the truth, I'd rather not know."

"It's true," she said. "I saw all that stuff when I went down there the other day. Syringes, drugs and tons of notebooks with records he kept."

Stanley nodded, feeling tears on his cheeks. "Did you love him?" he asked.

"Not until the end."

*********************

Stanley spoke at his funeral.

"Michael Etheridge became one of my best friends," he said. "He was a hard man to know, but I came to understand him, perhaps as well as anyone, during the time I knew him. He was passionate and proud. He loved his sport and took great pride in his accomplishments. He was the ultimate competitor. Many found him to be aloof and difficult to get along with, but that wasn't the true essence of Mike. The Mike I came to know was good humored, kind and very loyal. Even though speaking about the home run he hit against me thirty-five years ago was one of my least favorite things to talk about, spending time with Mike was one of the things I enjoyed most. I learned many things from him and I will miss him. I just wish he'd let more people see the side of him that I got to know. If they had, everyone would have loved him as much as me."

*************************

"What did he want to tell you so badly?" Sharon asked a few days after the funeral. Stanley thought about it. He thought about taking all Mike's syringes, drugs, and record books out of the basement and building a bonfire with them in Mike's backyard while his daughter watched.

"He just wanted me to know how thankful he was that we were friends," he told her.

"Maybe I was wrong about him after all," she said. "He seemed like a lonely man. I'm glad you were his friend."

"He was a good man," Stanley said.

Me and Bonnie Jean

In the Navy, I spent a lot of time alone, especially when the ship was in port in Norfolk, Virginia. I don't know exactly why I didn't socialize with my shipmates more. I think the bottom line was that I didn't feel we had much in common. Besides that, I'm just the kind of guy who revels in solitude sometimes. I considered it a pretty good morning to be able to wake up and realize I could spend the day doing whatever I wanted without anyone trying to convince me otherwise. The flip side was that I would start to hate being alone so much after awhile. I would think of something I'd like to talk about. but there was no one around to listen.

I would say to myself, "Man, Charlie, you've got to quit being the Lone Ranger and make some friends or find a girlfriend or something." But this seemed easier said than done, and I continued to do my own thing. I lived on the ship, but despised being there during off-duty time. Often, on weekends, I would drive to Virginia Beach, go for a run on the beach, then go to a shopping center that featured a Barnes & Noble bookstore, a giant music store, and a movie theater. It was like the place was tailor-made for me: three of my favorite things--books, movies, and music all rolled into one.

By the time it got dark, I found myself faced with two unattractive options. I could go back to the ship for the evening to maybe crawl in my rack to read a book until I got tired enough to sleep or head to some night spot to drink a beer or two and check out the women. On most nights, the only thing I wanted to do less than go to a club was return to the ship. So to a club I would reluctantly go. I'd order a beer and sit at the bar sipping it, watching everyone else seem to have a good time as I tried my best to get into the spirit of the place. This was a tough chore on most nights because I've found that drinking alone at a bar is one of the most depressing activities a human can engage in.

So one particular night of this type, a couple of months before I embarked on my second six month Mediterranean cruise, I went alone to a club called Country World in Virginia Beach. I chose it because it was a place I hadn't been to before and I was curious about it. Also, I was in a country music phase at the time. But the difference between me and most of the other club's denizens was that I was content to sit and listen to the music dressed as a normal human being while almost everyone else was dolled up in their cowboy best, line dancing until their shiny boots gave them blisters.

Soon after taking my seat and ordering a Bud Lite, I decided this would be a one beer stop rather than the usual two. I had about half a swallow left when my waitress handed me another one. "This is compliments of the two ladies over there," she told me, pointing out two tall, attractive women a few tables over. They waved to me and I waved back, flattered by the attention. I couldn't remember such an event ever happening to me before. I sat back again in a much better mood and had only taken a couple of swallows of the free beer when I noticed the two girls motioning me to come speak to them.

Flattered again, I went to their table and took a seat.

"My sister thinks you're cute," one of them told me.

"Shut up, Sarah," the sister said, embarrassed.

"Don't let her fool you," Sarah said. "She's not shy."

I introduced myself and the sister told me her name was Bonnie Jean. The two girls seemed to be in a good mood and seemed to have drunk more than a couple of beers themselves. For some reason, I felt comfortable around them right away. At some point, Sarah drifted away, leaving me alone with Bonnie Jean. I learned that she was from West Virginia. She had been enrolled in college there until recently. She'd come o Virginia Beach to live with her older sister until she figured out what to do next. We talked for a long time and at some point, Sarah drifted away. The band started playing a slow song and Bonnie Jean asked me if I wanted to dance. Unlike the boot scootin' boogie, I could handle a slow dance with no problem. Bonnie Jean pressed herself against me like we were going steady. Her forwardness took me aback somewhat, but on the other hand, I was thrilled that the night was offering me much more than I'd expected.

After the dance, we went back to our seats and talked more, holding hands, kissing, and drinking beer at a slow but steady pace. We stayed until our waitress announced last call. Sarah still had not materialized.

"I think Sarah already left," she told me. "Would you mind giving me a ride home?"

"Sure," I said, thinking that it was awful convenient for her sister to disappear like that. So I drove her home. When we got there, she asked me to come in. In her room, we sat up talking and making out most of the night. It occurred to me that she was the first girl I'd so much as touched since joining the Navy almost two years before. It also occurred to me that had I been back home, I likely would not have been interested in her simply because, although she was attractive and warm, she probably wouldn't have passed my standards test. But in Norfolk, Virginia, playing the part of the loneliest man alive, she suited me just fine. Things with Bonnie Jean that night progressed to their inevitable conclusion and afterward, I felt a bit unsure of the whole thing because I could tell she was hoping it was going to be more than a one night stand.

Around six thirty that morning, I told her I was heading back to the ship to get some sleep. She said, "Don't you want to go get some breakfast first?"

So we went to Denny's and got pancakes and eggs, and she seemed surprisingly chipper for someone who also hadn't slept all night. After breakfast, I finally extricated myself from her and headed back to the ship where I climbed in my rack and slept most of the day away. I told myself that although I liked Bonnie Jean just fine and enjoyed a perfectly awesome night with her, I didn't need to call her again because I knew she wasn't someone I genuinely wanted a relationship with. She wasn't someone I felt comfortable taking home to present to my family and say, "Here's my girl! Isn't she amazing?"

But only a couple of days passed before I caved and called her. We went to a dinner and a movie and afterward, she invited me over again where I wound up spending the night once more although I had to get up early the next morning to drive back to the ship. I started staying with her four or five nights out of the week and found it much more pleasurable than spending every night in my rack on the ship which was one of six racks in a cube and one of about sixty in the open bay area where the enlisted men lived. Only a couple of weeks passed before she dropped the "L" word on me.

I had some reservations about it, but I gave it back to her because I wasn't about to ruin a good thing and also tried to convince myself it was true. Besides, in the back of my mind, I knew the cruise was approaching and then I would be six months gone haze gray and underway as the Navy saying goes, and most likely that would be the end of me and Bonnie Jean. In the meantime, I was surprised by the intensity of our little relationship. It certainly centered around one thing and I had never before in my life--23 years at that point-- had that one thing on a regular basis. She was only nineteen years old, but much more experienced in that area than I. She confessed to me that I wasn't the first guy she had picked up from a club since she'd moved to Norfolk, but I was the only one she wanted to stay the next day. I asked her how many others there had been. "Not that many," she said.

She began to disengage from me a couple of weeks before the cruise. She told me her sister didn't want me staying over so much any more, which seemed a little odd to me because her sister was always extremely nice to me and seemed to like having me around. She also became less available when I tried to call her. All of this would have been fine if I'd been the one breaking things off, but it didn't suit me that it was her.

A couple of days before I was to leave, I finally got her on the telephone. "So what's the deal?" I asked her. One day you're saying you love me and a couple of weeks later I can't get you on the phone and it doesn't seem like you want me to stay over any more."

"I don't know," she said. "I still like you and everything. I guess I need some space or something."

"In a couple of days, you're going to get all the space you need," I told her. "You are going to come see me off when the ship leaves aren't you?"

"I don't know. I'll try to make it."

Her sudden indifference mystified me. I racked my brain trying to figure out if I'd done something to change things, but couldn't come up with anything. On the day the cruise began, Bonnie Jean was nowhere to be seen among the friends and family of my shipmates' coming to see us off. A week or two into the cruise, I made arrangements to have flowers delivered to her and also wrote her a very sappy, heartfelt letter. She wrote me back a single time saying she had received the roses and that it was very sweet of me to send them. That was the extent of it. I tried to call her twice during the cruise when we came into port, but she didn't answer. When my ship finally returned to Norfolk, I called her one last time before I drove home to Georgia for leave. Her sister answered and informed me that Bonnie Jean had met a Marine and they'd gotten married.

When I got off the phone with her, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it. I had no ill feelings towards Bonnie at all. In the final analysis, we'd had a good time and that was all it was meant to be. The experience also served as an initiation of sorts to me as it was the first genuine relationship I'd ever been involved in.

Thankfully it wasn't the last.

Return of the Scarecrow Man

Mason felt the Scarecrow Man's eyes on him before he saw him. The man was sitting on a bench smoking a cigarette outside the mall's entrance staring at him like he had a bone to pick. The temperature couldn't have been more than twenty degrees, but he wore only a tattered Members Only jacket unzipped over a ratty flannel shirt. His beard reached his stomach and reminded Mason of so much Spanish Moss.

Just another homeless guy, he told himself. He wondered why his mind would even try to suggest otherwise. He'd never seen the Scarecrow Man anywhere but his dreams, and not since he was seven years old even then.

He was holding his five months son and squeezed the baby against his chest without realizing it. Chills ran down his spine and beads of sweat popped on his forehead in spite of the cold. In that moment, he was certain of the man's identity. The baby began to cry. His wife noticed as well.

"Are you okay, honey?" she asked.

As he strapped Jacob into his stroller, he couldn't resist another glance. The Scarecrow Man was gone. Mason wondered if he'd ever really been there.

By that evening, he felt foolish about the whole thing. He'd seen a homeless man at the mall and automatically believed it to be his childhood recurring nightmare come to life. But in bed that night, his certainty returned. It was in his eyes. He couldn't disguise his eyes.

*******************

His first encounter with the Scarecrow Man happened when he was five years old. In the years since, he'd often wondered what triggered its coming. He had a theory. He believed it was anger that brought him. He remembered being angry often as a child although there was no reason he should have been. His childhood was fine as anyone's, probably better than most--at least in his younger years. But he'd been an angry child nonetheless and directed almost all of it towards his father. He'd never heard of Freud or The Oedipus Complex at the time, but the old guy had it right in his case. He was an only child and all of his affection was saved for his mother. He loved her and didn't want to share her. His father wasn't the warmest of men, but Mason saw that his mother divided her love between them.

On more nights than not before the coming of the Scarecrow Man, Mason slipped into his parents' bedroom almost as soon as he saw their light go off. He'd climb into bed next to his mother and feel as content as he must have in the womb. His father grudgingly allowed it until his fifth birthday.

"Daddy has something to talk to you about," his mother told him at supper as he ate a slice of birthday cake. After he'd changed into his Star Wars pajamas, his father came into the bedroom.

"Mason," he told him. "You're five years old. That means you're a big boy now. It's time you learned to sleep in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"But I like to sleep with you guys. What's wrong with that?"

"Big boys have to learn to sleep alone. You want to be a big boy don't you?"

"I guess."

"Just close your eyes and go to sleep. After a few nights, you won't even think of sleeping with us any more."

His father left and closed the door, leaving Mason in the dark. Mama always gave him a kiss and said his prayers with him. She knew to crack the door when she left. His father didn't understand how scary the darkness could be. When the lights were gone, bad things came out. He was only five, but that was something he knew. He lay awake in the dark for a long time. At some point he became certain a monster stared at him through the slats of the closet. He could feel its eyes boring into him. He could hear it breathing. It had a throat full of phlegm. Why didn't it just attack him? What was it waiting for? His heart beat in his ears as he imagined the thing crashing through the closet and ripping him to pieces. He could see it chewing his flesh off his bones as if he were a piece of fried chicken.

Panicked, he jumped out of bed and headed for his parents' room, half expecting the monster to jerk him back by the hair before he got out the door. Once in the hallway, he forced himself to calm down. Maybe they were asleep. If they were, maybe he could sneak in and lay beside his mother so quietly no one would notice. He crept down the hall and opened their bedroom door, cringing as it creaked on its hinges. Neither of them stirred. But as soon as he climbed into bed, his mother woke.

"Didn't Daddy say you had to sleep in your own bed from now on?" she whispered.

"Yes, but there's a monster in my closet."

"There's no monster in your closet. Now go back to bed like a good boy."

"I can't, Mama. There really is a monster in my closet. I'm not making it up."

"Come on, Mason. We'll go back to your room and look in the closet and I bet we won't find a monster."

"Will you stay with me until I go to sleep?"

"Okay, honey, but just tonight. You're really going to have to learn to sleep by yourself."

"Okay, Mama. Just for tonight. I promise."

In his room, she turned on the light and looked in the closet. There was no monster. Just his toy box and clothes hanging from their hangers. He wasn't surprised. Monsters always fled when Mama came. That was how things were. With her beside him, he fell right to sleep.

He kept his promise. Promises to his mother were important to him. After that night, he never tried to sleep with his parents again. If he slept with his back to the closet, he didn't think about the monster hiding there as much. He was finding his father to be right. In spite of himself, he thought of sleeping with his parents less with each passing night. He hadn't wanted his father to be right. It made him angry if he thought about it. Why was Mama choosing Daddy over him? Why did they send him to bed early most nights while they sat up and watched TV? He hated hearing them laughing and talking while he lay alone in his room's dark exile. Some nights he even cried, but not loud enough for them to hear. That would have disappointed his mother.

Daddy spanked him with the belt the day before he met the Scarecrow Man for the first time. It happened because of a pair of cap guns. They'd been in the yard having a gun fight. Mason was convinced no one alive could outdraw him. His hands were a blur as they went for the gun and his aim was deadly accurate.

"I shot you right between the eyes, Daddy!" he yelled at him. "Go down! You're dead.!"

But his father wouldn't go down. He stood there smiling like a dope.

Rage festered in Mason like a sudden storm. "You're dead, Daddy! Why won't you go down?" He dashed toward his father and slung the cap gun at him as hard as he could. It clunked against the man's forehead and dropped to the ground.

To Mason's horror, a spot of blood appeared on his father's head where the gun struck him. "What the Hell's wrong with you, son?" he said. His tone sounded more bewildered than angry and now Mason felt the same.

"I don't know. I got mad because you wouldn't act like you were dead."

"You can't get away with a stunt like that, Mason Cross." His father took off his belt and gave him three hard licks with it. The last one went low and whipped the back of his thighs, making an angry welt. That was the one that made him cry.

At the supper table that night, he wasn't sure if he was mad or sad, but whichever it was, he didn't feel like eating. When he'd done little more than stir food around the plate for a half hour, he asked in his most polite voice if he could be excused.

"You may," his mother said.

He went to bed voluntarily, something he never did. He strained his ears to hear his parents' talking. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but knew from their tone that they were arguing. "At least I'm not the only one in trouble," he said to himself. He went to sleep and when he woke again the house was dark. He'd heard something, but didn't know what until it came again-- a clunking sound, not unlike the sound his toy gun made against his father's head. He couldn't tell if it was coming from the wall his bed was pushed against or from outside his room. He heard it a third time and this time it seemed to come from inside the closet. His mouth went dry. He tried to call his mother, but fear paralyzed him.

The Scarecrow Man appeared beside him. Mason saw him in the dim glow of his nightlight. He stared at Mason with yellow, pupilless eyes. It wore a straw hat and raggedy overalls over a filthy and ripped flannel shirt. Its beard shimmered and pulsated as if things crawled beneath it. It smelled like dirt-- not the good smell of his grandfather's farm land, but of swampy ground where dead things are buried and rotting.

"You're not real," Mason whispered. He shut his eyes tight and opened them again, willing the Scarecrow Man to be gone. But he was still there, standing over him and staring. He felt it worming its way inside his brain.

"Follow me," it said. But not with its voice. The words came from inside his mind.

"No!" he screamed from the same place. But a part of him did want to follow it. Part of him wanted to see what sort of dark and evil place could spawn such a creature. Part of him wanted to reach out and caress the thing's beard to see what made it pulse and shimmer. As if in answer, a maggot fell from its onto Mason's face. He screamed and swiped at it, but struck nothing. When he glanced up again, the Scarecrow Man was gone.

He didn't tell either of his parents about it the next morning. It was a Saturday and Mama made him pancakes. Daddy was home too. They were in a good mood and Mason was jealous.

The Scarecrow Man returned a week later. He wasn't angry when he went to bed that night and no maggot fell from its beard. It just hovered above him, staring with those ugly yellow eyes and beckoning him in his mind. Mason begged it to go away and never come back. As some point, it did go away, and he woke in the morning wondering if it had really been there or was it more likely only a dream-- a very vivid, scary dream, but a dream nonetheless.

A couple of days later, the Scarecrow Man was back again. Two weeks after that, he came for a fourth time. Each time was the same. He'd be on the verge of sleep when he'd hear the distinctive knocking sound that marked its coming. He could never tell from where the sound came, but in another moment it was standing over him, telling Mason to follow him. But Mason never would.

Between the ages of five and seven, the Scarecrow Man visited him at erratic intervals. Mason could never discern a pattern in its visits. He might come three nights in a row and not come again for a month. He would plan to ask it what it wanted, why it had chosen him of all the little boys in the world to terrorize. But when the thing stood over him, fear ruled him. He only wished for it to go away and never return...except for that small part of him that wanted to follow it. That part of him terrified Mason almost as much as the Scarecrow Man itself.

Two weeks after his seventh birthday, his family moved. They bought a house in the suburbs and sold the small trailer he'd lived in all of his life. His father found a new job that paid more than his old one. Mason had a bigger room and would start first grade at a larger school than where he'd gone to Kindergarten.

He'd lain awake for hours during his first night in his new room wondering if the Scarecrow Man would follow him here. If he did, Mason promised himself he would tell it to never come back again. He would do it no matter how afraid he might be. He would tell it that he was a big boy now and big boys didn't have these kinds of little boy dreams. To give himself courage, he placed something under his pillow. When the time was right, he would use it.

The Summer passed without its coming. He began to think that it was never coming again. But the night before he started first grade, it did come. There was no knocking to announce it this time. Its stink woke him from a deep sleep. He turned on his back and saw it. Its eyes were more deeply yellow than before. Its face gyrated like the shapes in a kaleidoscope. Maggots and worms slithered across its beard. Its hat was so crumpled and dirty it might have been run over by a tractor trailer. It was grinning. Mason had never seen it grin before.

"Follow me!" it demanded in his mind. In the past, its beckonings were only a strong suggestion, but tonight, it was an imperative.

He almost allowed it to lead him away that night. He almost touched its hand. But he remembered his promise to himself. He remembered what he kept beneath his pillow. He drew the Hans Solo blaster and leveled it at the Scarecrow Man.

"What do you want from me?" he said.

You've been chosen, he answered in his mind.

"Choose someone else!" He pulled the trigger of the blaster. It emitted a shrill squeal that wrenched him back to reality. He found himself firing the gun at nothing. He got out of bed and turned on the light feeling a surge of adrenaline pouring through him. He looked under the bed, almost expecting to see him hiding there. But it was not. He searched his closet, but it was not there either. Then he noticed something on the floor. Afraid to touch it, he got on his knees to see it more closely--a piece of straw less than half an inch long. He touched it warily, afraid it might shock him. But it was only an ordinary piece of straw. He could think of a dozen reasons to explain how it came to be there. He might have tracked it in on his sock. Maybe it was left from the house's previous owners. Maybe it had stuck to the bed or one of his dressers during the move. But Mason knew where it came from-- the Scarecrow Man's hat. It had left it as a message.

He found a zip lock bag in the kitchen and put the piece of straw inside. He stored it in his bottom dresser drawer. After re-stowing his Han Solo blaster, he went back to bed and thankfully, didn't dream.

He planned to shoot the thing again if he came the next night, but it didn't come. Time passed and the Scarecrow Man did not return. He wondered if he'd really killed it with his Han Solo blaster. He began to convince himself that he'd only been dreaming and that the piece of straw he kept in a zip-lock bag in his bottom drawer was nothing extraordinary at all. But he kept it anyway because a part of him knew better.

*************************

As an adult, it was hard to think of his later childhood years. In his mind, he stored those years away as the Tragic Ones. When he was nine, his mother gave birth to a baby girl. Five months later, she found her dead in her crib. Her death was inexplicable and attributed to SIDS. Two years later, Mason's father, who had been healthy as a horse all his life, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The cancer spread quickly and four months later the man was dead. Mason could hardly stand to see his mother grieve.

"It's just the two of us now," she told him at the funeral, squeezing his hand. He felt ashamed, as if it were his fault. When he was a small child, to be alone with his mother had been his greatest wish, but he hadn't wanted it like this.

Tragedy wasn't done with him.

A little over a year later, he was home alone waiting for his mother to return from a teaching seminar she'd attended out of town. He was worried. She should have been home hours ago. The phone rang and he jumped for it. But it wasn't her number on the caller ID. When he answered, a state patrolman asked to speak to an adult.

"Just a minute," Mason said. He pretended to summon his father.

He spoke in his deepest voice when he came back to the phone identifying himself as Mr. Cross.

"Your wife has been in an accident," the patrolman said. "We're sending someone to speak to you about the matter."

"Is she okay?" Mason asked.

The cop's pause was answer enough. "I'm not at liberty to discuss her condition over the phone," he said.

He learned she'd been killed in a five car pile-up on the Interstate. A deer had picked the wrong time to cross the road.

He'd drifted along in a haze after that. One of his mother's teacher friends allowed him to live with them during his senior year in high school. After graduation, he enrolled himself in college and paid the tuition from the life insurance policies his parents left him. He focused like a laser on his studies, neglecting any semblance of a social life, feeling unconsciously that he would bring death and misery to anyone foolish enough to befriend him. He graduated with a bachelor in psychology in three years, a Master's Degree in two more, and earned his Doctorate three years after that. He met Sharon by chance at a seminar he conducted on dream interpretation. He'd done his best to push her away in the beginning, but she was persistent. They married and a year and a half later, Jacob was born. His life held meaning again, but he lived in constant fear that he would lose all that he had at any moment. He felt in the hidden part of his soul that the Scarecrow Man wasn't done with him.

*****************************

"Did you see that homeless man sitting on the bench outside the mall?" he asked his wife as they drove home from the mall?

"Yeah, I did see him. He was creepy."

"I think he was staring at me. He scared little Jacob too. We should do our shopping somewhere else next time."

She laughed. "Find a different place to shop just because we saw a creepy homeless man? Was he a former patient of yours or something?"

"Yeah, something like that. He always spooked me."

--------------------------------------------

Jacob's squalls woke them that night around two in the morning.

Mason got up to check on him. He lifted him out of the bed expecting to feel a wet diaper beneath his hand. But the diaper was dry. Jacob continued to cry and Mason held him close to his chest, rocking and cooing.

"What's wrong, baby?" he said. "Daddy's got you. Everything's all right."

Jacob quit crying for a moment. He looked towards the closet with wide eyes and resumed.

"I've got you, little Jacob. Let's go back to sleep." He turned his back to the closet, shielding the baby from it, but Jacob strained to see around him.

"What are you looking for? Do you think something's in that closet?"

Even as he said it, chills ran down his spine. He put Jacob down and searched the closet, finding nothing out of the ordinary. He was frightened and felt ridiculous for feeling that way. The closet was filled with more baby clothes and paraphernalia than Jacob would ever need. Thinking of the Scarecrow Man contorting himself in a position to make itself fit there, he had to smile. First the homeless man and now this. He was truly losing it.

Jacob finally quieted, but Mason found himself unable to leave him alone in his room. He knew his baby had seen the Scarecrow Man in the closet in the same way he knew the true identity of the homeless man at the mall. The baby bed had wheels, so he pushed it into their bedroom and parked it within arm's reach. Sharon was sound asleep.

"Did I ever tell you about the recurring nightmares I had as a child?" he said aloud. "I don't think they were dreams at all. I think he cursed my whole family and now he's back for more. Do you think it's something I should have told you before we were married"

She garbled something unintelligible and was asleep again. Mason lay awake through the night, half expecting to see the thing standing over him at any moment.

--------------------------------

Monday morning, on the way to his private practice, he saw the same homeless man standing on the side of the road at an intersection. He didn't dare look at him, but felt his stare the entire time he waited for the light to change. He looked in his rear-view mirror as he pulled away, but the man was gone.

"I'm truly losing my mind," he said to himself.

At work, he saw patients in a steady stream until lunch time. At 11:45 his receptionist told him the waiting room was finally empty.

He told her he was going out and would be back in an hour. When he stepped into the waiting room, he found that it wasn't empty after all. The Scarecrow Man sat in the corner staring at him. Somehow, he bit back a scream.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he saw an empty chair.

"You know what, Tina? I don't feel so good," he told his receptionist. "Can you reschedule my appointments for the rest of the day? I need to go home and get some rest."

He drove aimlessly around town for over an hour before deciding what he had to do.

"You're home early," Sharon said when he got home "Is something wrong?"

"No. I've just been stressed. I needed an afternoon off."

"You have seemed a little out of sorts since last night. Is there something you need to talk about?"

He almost told her everything, but knew if he did, she would convince him it was all his imagination. She would talk him into seeing a shrink and getting some medication.

"No," he said. "I'm going to take a drive. Take some time to clear my head. I was thinking about something I used to have today. I want to see if I can find it in the attic. It used to always make me feel better.

"What's that?" she asked.

"I'll show you if I can find it."

He had to search for awhile, but found both items he was looking for in the bottom of a box pushed to the very back of the attic. The zip-lock bag with the half inch piece of plastic and the Han Solo blaster were both there. He put the bag in his pocket and held the blaster like a talisman against his chest.

"Is that a Star Wars gun?" she asked when he came down. "I can't believe you still have that."

"Yep," he said. "I always thought it was my good luck charm."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"The same thing Han Solo did with it. Use it to protect myself. "

She laughed. "You're a strange man, Mason Cross, but I love you."

"I love you guys too. More than anything in the world." He kissed them both and left.

He drove to the mall and sat on the bench where he'd seen him the previous night. He put the blaster inside his coat. The afternoon had been crisp and sunny, but as it passed the temperature fell. Clouds covered the sun and a freezing rain began to fall. He buttoned his coat and tried not to shiver. He didn't know how long he would have to wait, but didn't doubt that he would come. He ignored two calls from his wife as the day turned to night and the freezing rain turned to snow. He watched the people come and go and imagined they suspected that he was mentally ill. Maybe they were right.

The mall was empty before Mason discovered he was no longer alone. The homeless man was beside him. Mason hadn't seen him sit down.

Mason shivered in the cold, but the other man seemed unaffected. His beard was long and unkempt, but did not undulate with a thousand squirmy insects and his eyes were not yellow or pupilless, but a dull gray. He still wore the Members Only jacket and the tattered flannel shirt, but also sported a good pair of work-boots and faded but serviceable khaki pants.

"Hey Bub. Thought I was the only one down on my luck enough to be out in this weather,"

His voice made Mason's skin crawl. It was deep and gravelly and sounded like someone gargling marbles. Mason didn't feel like making small talk.

"I came here to meet you," he said. "I think you know that."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Bub. I'm happy to share a bench, but I never saw you before in my life."

"Don't play dumb with me. You know who I am and you know why I'm here, so cut the bullshit."

"I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think you've gone round the bend, friend."

Mason pulled out the blaster and pointed it at him. A part of him felt ridiculous, as if he were pretending to be seven years old again. But another part of him knew it was right.

The homeless man snickered when he saw it. "That's a toy, ain't it?" he said "An old one too. I had one when I was a kid myself. Han Solo. Am I right? He offed a hell of a lot of stormtroopers with that thing."

Mason nodded. "And once I thought it killed a monster that came into my bedroom at night and terrorized me."

"You thought? It didn't work as well with monsters as stormtroopers, eh?"

"Apparently not."

"So why'd you bring it?"

"I thought it would bring you. Seems like it worked."

He smirked "You've gone round the bend alright, Bub. You'd best refill your meds.... and soon."

Mason pulled the plastic bag with the piece of straw from his pocket. "I believe you left this to me when I was seven. Maybe you meant it as a message. Maybe it dropped from your hat accidentally, but either way, I've kept it for the last twenty-five years to help me remember that you were real. And now here you are."

He was smoking a cigarette now. "For amusement's sake let's say you're right. What's your plan?"

His smugness was infuriating. Mason pictured wrapping his hands around the man's throat and choking the life from him. But he kept his cool. He needed to work this through.

"I don't have a plan. I just want to understand what you want from me. I want to know why you murdered my baby sister, my mother, and my father. I want to know what it would take to make you go away forever."

The man nodded. He blew a stream of smoke into the freezing air. "You sound right sure of yourself there, Bub, and I'm telling you I'm nothing but a broke down man on a bench. But I've done some philosophizing in my time so I'll share it with you since you're hankering to know. There's things that lurk in the dark, you see, and sometimes something calls those things. It's random as lightning and there's no accounting for it. It just happens--a toss of the dice, a random flash of lightning. People like you want to make sense of it, but there's none to be made. It just is. And once it happens there's no escaping that dark thing. There's nothing to be done but to embrace it. If you fight it, you only make it worse for yourself and everyone around you. It's a harsh truth, I know. But it's what I believe. What do you make of it?"

"I don't believe that," he answered. "There has to be a way to satisfy that thing or a way to kill it. There has to be a way to make it leave someone alone."

He laughed. It was an ugly hacking sound. "You're quite the optimist, aren't you, Bub? But you're wrong and I've said all I have to say on the matter. So why don't you scamper back to whatever cozy hideaway you came from and leave me alone? Toss me a little spare change on your way out if you don't mind."

Mason stood, but didn't leave. He forced himself to put his face so close to the Scarecrow Man that he almost touched his nose. This close, he could smell the faintest hint of the foul odor that had wakened him on so many childhood nights.

"I know what you are," he said. "And tonight, one way or the other, we're going to finish this."

The Scarecrow Man dropped his cigarette in the snow at his feet and stomped it out. He grabbed Mason's wrist. His grip was like a burning shackle and his nails dug into Mason's skin. The familiar stench wafted over him, penetrating the cold. The homeless man assumed the visage of Mason's childhood dreams. A centipede surfaced from its beard and dove again beneath it. Pus seeped from its eyes. A grimy, beaten straw-hat materialized on its head.

"You always wanted to follow me," he said in Mason's mind. "And now you finally will."

A darkness thicker than any Earthly night enveloped him. He could no longer see the Scarecrow Man, but could feel its burning, steely grip on his wrist. He had the sensation of movement, but could not discern the direction. He felt as if the reality he'd always known slip away from him like a thin skin.

Below it was something beyond human experience. Visions of things his mind could not make sense of flashed before him. Contorted, writhing, tortured bodies and faces assaulted his senses and evaporated to nothing. His body felt as if it would boil and freeze at once. He felt he was in the midst of evil and darkness at its essence, and he could not help but be infected by it.

"Let me go!" he tried to scream to the Scarecrow Man. But in spite of his protestations, he could not deny that he wanted more. He felt like a man born to be an addict introduced to his first hit of heroin. In a moment, an abyss opened before him and he felt it sucking him in like a black hole. The Scarecrow Man carried him towards it like Charon leading a soul through the River Styx. Mason knew there would be no return from that place, that it was a realm of madness beyond human imagining, but he yearned to enter it. He wanted to be broken down to his basest form, to delve into the deepest, darkest part of his soul and embrace it for eternity.

But at the cusp of no return, the vision of his wife and child swam to the forefront of his mind. He saw his wife holding Jacob in their bedroom with the light on as she wept with worry for him. Where was he? Why hadn't he called? He was acting so strange when he left with that old Star Wars gun. Why hadn't she questioned him more? Why hadn't she stopped him and made him explain himself? She was afraid something terrible had happened to him. She'd already called the police, but they weren't too worried. They said to call back if he hadn't made it home by morning.

She'd looked for him at his usual haunts-- the bookstore, a coffee shop and pub they frequented, the movie theater, the park. But she hadn't gone to the mall. If she had, she would have been puzzled to find him sitting on a bench engaged in lively banter with a homeless man. But if she went there now, he didn't know what she would see. Because he was not there. Where he was now was no definable place at all. He had to get back at her. The abyss called to him, but he had to resist it. He could not leave them alone. He tried to turn back, but had no control. The edge of the abyss drew steadily nearer.

"Let me go!" he tried to scream at the Scarecrow Man. He tried to claw at the hand that still held his wrist in a searing grip. But there was no Scarecrow Man to fight. He felt the pain of his grip, but possessed no wrist from which to loose him. He pictured Jacob and Sharon in his mind and saw every pore of their bodies magnified a thousand times larger than life. With every fiber of his being, he wanted to be by their side again. He wanted to make his life with them. He wanted their love for as long as could have it whether it was a single day or fifty years. He wanted it infinitely more than whatever base and maddening thing lay in the abyss that loomed before him.

From seemingly another galaxy, he heard her calling his name. He felt her touch against the skin he thought he no longer owned.

"Mason! Wake up, Mason! I love you, Mason. Please wake up."

The mouth of the abyss, open wide like a hungry maw, loomed ahead of him another moment before it began to recede, by centimeters at first and then exponentially faster until it was little more than a black pinhole in a sea of white. As it disappeared completely, he felt the tiniest tinge of regret at its passing.

-------------------------------

He opened his eyes to see Sharon's face close to his. He felt her touch against his freezing skin. He realized he was colder than he'd ever been in his life. He tried to tell her he loved her, but only blubbered incoherently. His lips were so much frozen wood.

"Mason. You're alive!" Sharon said. "I thought I had lost you." She pulled him from the bench and he fell hard on his knees, but they were so numb he barely felt it. With a Herculean effort, he forced himself to his feet again. She was pulling him to her car, but he stole a final glance back and saw the homeless man--the Scarecrow Man-- lying in an unnatural position on the sidewalk below the bench. His head was half-covered in snow.

"Is he dead?" he tried to ask. His words were unintelligible, but she understood what he was trying to say.

"He's dead," she said. "And I think you almost were too. I would have called 9-1-1, but there was something... bad...evil about him. I decided it would be best to let him be.

She helped him in the car and took him home. Jacob was crying from his car-seat in the back. She took him out and put him in his father's arms. Mason held him all the way home, feeling his warm baby body against him and crying tears of his own. He didn't believe the Scarecrow Man was dead. But he did believe the abyss was behind him.

He held his wife's hand as he drove and kissed his son on his cheek. He was where he wished to be and that was all that mattered.

"Did you want to keep these things?" his wife asked. She handed him the Hans Solo blaster and the piece of straw in the plastic bag. He took them from her and held them for a moment.

"No," he answered. "I don't need them any more." He tossed them out the window and didn't look back.

Movies of 2010

I thought it would be interesting to take a look at all the movies released this past year that I saw either on video or at the movies. I was somewhat surprised I hadn't seen more. There were some I missed that I still hope to catch in the near future. These are the movies released in 2010 that I'm still yearning to see:

Winter’s Bone, True Grit, The Town, Let Me In, Kick-Ass, The Fighter, and The American

Here are the movies I actually did see this year ranked from least favorite to favorite and some thoughts about each:

Hot Tub Time Machine--My wife and I rented this one Friday or Saturday night when we were in the mood for a light-hearted comedy. It was light-hearted enough, but also very lame and silly. I may have laughed once or twice, but I couldn't say for sure. Not a good movie at all. Felt like our money was wasted in renting it.

The Book of Eli--I rented this one night when I was home alone. Didn't know much about it going in except that it starred Denzel Washington as a post-apocalyptic prophet. The movie's plot centers on Denzel's character doing his best to keep the last Bible safe from evil hands. The twist at the end didn't exactly blow my socks off and the premise of the movie seemed ridiculous to me. There's nothing about owning a Bible that grants anyone the power to rule the world. Denzel seemed one-dimensional as he almost always does and the bad guy was weak.

I'm Still Here-- I found myself fascinated with the whole Joaquin Phoenix faux breakdown thing and finally saw this supposed documentary about it on Netflix. I wonder if Phoenix would do this whole fiasco over again if he had the choice. I can't see how it benefited him or his career in anyway. His infamous interview on Letterman was great, but I found the documentary itself to be almost unwatchably painful. Phoenix certainly knew how to play a narcissistic, coke-snorting, nincompoop to the hilt.

Date Night--Saw this movie at the theater with high expectations. I figured any movie starring Steve Carell and Tina Fey couldn't help but be hilarious. The movie wasn't completely terrible, but it felt flat to me. Mark Wahlberg's character was funnier than either of the stars and Carell and Fey didn't strike me as a particularly believable couple. The whole plot was somewhat predictable and cliched. I don't think it's a movie any of the stars will ever list as one they are particularly proud of.

Alice in Wonderland-- Saw this movie at the theater in 3D. It was a visually stunning movie and a pretty fun one. Hard to imagine a world in which Tim Burton and Alice in Wonderland wouldn't eventually come together. It seemed to fall a little flat in some ways though and was a surprisingly conventional film for Burton overall. I would have like to have seen a little more surrealism.

 The Kids Are All Right--Just saw this movie a couple of weeks ago on video. It's about a lesbian couple (Annette Benning and Julianne Moore) with two children who meet their sperm donor (Mark Ruffalo) and begin a relationship with him. This was a well-acted movie overall and I really felt drawn into the drama of it although I couldn't see why the movie was billed as a comedy. My only problem with it was that I didn't buy the ending at all. Mark Ruffalo's character got a raw deal.

Knight and Day--This was another movie I rented when I was home alone on a Friday night. I had low expectations, but was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it even though it certainly had its flaws. Tom Cruise's character was impossibly over the top, but the movie didn't take itself too seriously, and saw itself for what it was: fun and mindless. Cruise and Cameron Diaz had surprisingly chemistry.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse-- This was the best of the Twilight  movies so far which isn't saying anything too tremendous. I do have a weak spot for vampire movies though even if they're so obviously geared toward tweens like this series. There was a bit of tongue-in-cheekness in a few scenes that I enjoyed, such as when Jacob tells Edward, "Everyone knows I'm hotter than you" in one pivotal scene. Eclipse is certainly no cinematic masterpiece, but I can't say I didn't enjoy it or that I don't plan to watch the next installment as well.

Green Zone--Rented this movie and thought Matt Damon, one of my favorite actors, was outstanding in it. Damon's character gets fed up with being sent on bogus missions to search for WMD's and decides to delve into the truth of the matter. Not surprisingly, he is met with deadly resistance. The action felt disturbingly realistic and the whole film reminded me a bit of The Hurt Locker, but this movie isn't quite as good as that. In some ways it felt more like a documentary than a movie, but overall it was pretty darn good.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World--Saw this movie on the big screen, and it was quite good overall although overdone in some places. It's hard to find the right terms to accurately describe this movie. Just when you wanted to take it seriously, something completely absurd happens. The plot centers around Michael Serra's character, Scott Pilgrim, finding his self-confidence through repeated battles against progressively more powerful super-villains in the same way he would move up through the levels of a video game. Serra is charming although he seems to play the same character in every movie. The film feels like a cult classic to be.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1--My wife is a Harry Potter freak, and I was along for the ride on this one. The movie was impeccably done and very true to the book according to Maria. (I haven't read it yet.) In spite of the predictably awesome special effects involving wizardry and the like, the movie centers more on the inner conflicts of the three main characters--Harry, Hermione, and Ron-- than anything on the outside. Much like Frodo in Lord of the Rings, the characters have to conquer their own demons before they can begin the face the external enemy--Voldemort. On the negative side, I did think this movie dragged a bit in a few spots, but I suppose I can chalk that opinion up to not being quite up to par on my super Harry Potter fanship.

Splice--Rented this movie at home, and the beginning and middle were totally kick-ass and scary. Two scientists (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) create another living being, Dren, by splicing together animal and human DNA. Dren is a monster, but we can't help but sympathize with her. As the movie progresses, it becomes evident that both her parents have a twisted love for the thing they have created, and that nothing good will come of it. The movie was awesome until the last fifteen minutes when it goes off the rails. Seemed almost like it was scared to be what it could have been. 

Paranormal Activity 2--This movie was a bit campier than the first installment, but still almost too scary to sit through. A lot of time is spent in the build-up, but when things get rolling, there's no mercy on the viewer. It left me feeling wrung out. What makes both P.A.s so scary is the ordinariness of the setting and the normality of the characters. It makes me think--if this can happen to these people in that place, then why couldn't it happen to me in my place? I just hope the makers of these movies don't let it devolve into Friday the Thirteenth or Halloween silliness by creating too many sequels.

Easy A--This movie had a John Hughes Pretty in Pink, 16 Candles, 80s feel about it that I really liked. Emma Stone was awesome in this movie She seems to be filling the niche that Lindsay Lohan occupied before she became an utter train wreck. The plot is kind of silly and the idea that a girl in high school who resembles Stone could be initially unpopular is preposterous, but these facts don't detract from the movie. It was certainly the comedy I enjoyed the most this year.

Iron Man 2-- I saw the first Iron Man and thought it was good, but not spectacular. I was expecting about the same for this one, but I enjoyed it much more. I think it was Robert Downey Jr's acting that elevated it to a higher level than the normal super-hero movie. I'm guilty of enjoying these types of movies in general actually. I've enjoyed all the new ones made by the Marvel studio. I used to collect the heck out of Marvel Comics growing up and the flavor of these movies seems closer to the comic books. I thought Iron Man 2 had just the right mixture of heart and action.Can't wait to see what Marvel will come up with next.

Shutter Island-- I actually saw this movie for the first time in my group I lead for inmates at the prison. I'd read mixed reviews about it, but I found it engrossing to the end even after I figured out the twist a little over halfway through. This film provided a lot of food for philosophical musings. Was Shutter Island the real asylum or did it really exist inside Teddy Daniels' mind? DiCaprio is one of those actors you can always depend on to make a positively outstanding movie.  

Inception-- Another great movie starring DiCaprio. I'm still trying to figure out the ending as I'm sure anyone else who saw it is. But I think the message of the movie ultimately was that "the ending" doesn't really matter. It's our perception that matters. How do we know the difference between reality and a dream? It's only our perception either way. It's a very well done and thought provoking film that bears watching more than once.

Black Swan-- Saw this movie in the theater only a week or so ago. The story is over the top dramatic, but the acting, especially Natalie Portman, is awesome. I felt like I was going crazy every step of the way alongside of her, and still felt disoriented when I left the theater. Also still trying to puzzle out what was real and what was fantasy. There are some very explicit scenes in this movie, but as a red-blooded American male I found them very hot. It was similar to Paranormal Activity in that it was almost too suspenseful and freaky to bear in some places. There were a few scenes in which events bordered on the ridiculous, but it didn't quite cross the line. When I think about this movie, all I can do is shake my head.  Might be the best weird movie I've ever seen.

The Social Network-- This was a great movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It just crackled with energy and Jesse Eisenberg had Mark Zuckerberg down to an art. The dialogue was so sharp and brilliant, I think the movie would have been almost as good if it had been audio only. Everything about this movie just spelled COOL in big, capital letters. I read one reviewer who described it as a cynical commentary on our generation, but I didn't feel that. A lot of people thought it painted a scathing portrait of Zuckerberg, but honestly I didn't think he came out that badly. He seemed socially clueless and too immersed in the world of computers and programming to stay in touch with the real world, but it also showed a young man who had an uncompromising vision that he followed all the way through in establishing Facebook as the worldwide phenomenon it has become. The ones who truly came out the worst were the two Harvard twins who sued Zuckerberg for "stealing" their idea. The term overentitled buffoons comes to mind. I'm sure it will get kinds of awards at the Oscars and it was the best movie I saw all year.

Beyond the Storm

After Jack was awakened by heavy, cold raindrops, it took him a moment to remember where he was and another to realize his predicament. The sun shown on placid waters when he'd gone to sleep while floating on his back too long ago, but now the sky was dark. Whitecaps in the distance marked a storm's approach. When the waves bouyed him high enough to see over the water, he could just make out the beach. He was sure he'd never needed to swim so far, but now his life depended on it. He cursed his stupidity for napping.

In another moment, the storm was upon him. The wind blew froth in his face, lightning danced and thunder bellowed. He feared he was a goner but a part of him believed it was just as well. What did he have to live for since Brooke was gone anyway? Just over a year ago, she'd been driving cross-country to see him when her car crashed over an icy bridge. She tried to swim to safety, but frozen to death before she could reach the shore. The irony of finding himself in a similar predicament did not escape him.

Her death was his fault. If he hadn't been in New York meeting with some high rollers about funding his latest business project, she wouldn't have been driving there to see him. If he hadn't gone on about what a romantic place it was, what a good time they would have together there, she wouldn't have come. She didn't care for cities or crowds, but he'd insisted, and for him she had come. Because of him, she was dead.

He quit his business after that and bought a small house on this isolated beach. Here, he felt close to her in spirit. She would have loved it. He hung her favorite painting above the television that he'd barely turned on in ten months. The painting showed a woman in a wedding dress standing on a rocky pier staring out at a lighthouse on the ocean. Something about the restlessness of the waves and the color of the sky suggested a storm was brewing. The woman's posture struck a chord with Brooke. She said she'd never seen anyone so heartbroken and that whoever painted it must have known that kind of pain themselves. Now Jack knew how the woman in the painting must have felt.

The storm intensified and Jack wondered if a part of him knew it was coming. He remembered hearing something about bad weather being on the way yesterday, but conveniently forgotten this morning. Maybe his nap was an unconscious suicide attempt.

The rain and wind howled and the seas grew angrier. He became disoriented by the churning mass, losing all sense of direction. A monster wave loomed over him, and in the moment before it fell, Jack believed it would be the last thing he ever saw. It crashed down with the force of a sledgehammer driving him underwater so long he thought his lungs would burst. He expected death to follow.

Instead, he found himself squinting against a blinding light. He blinked away saltwater and spotted a lighthouse that shouldn't have been there. He swam in its direction, too desperate to survive to wonder at its existence. But even with the aid of such a concrete goal, he didn't swim far through the rough seas before his shoulders became leaden cramps attacked his legs. His entire body seized with exhaustion and seething with pain, he glanced towards the lighthouse a final time.

He thought he must be already dead or hallucinating because he saw the woman from the painting standing on a rocky pier in front of it. Her back was not turned to him as in the portrait. She glared into his eyes across the stormy sea with a demon's intensity. He knew her face as well as his own.

He called her name as she dove into the ocean, the train of her wedding dress trailing behind her. It was the last thing he saw before sinking beneath the waves.

********************

He opened his eyes on the beach with the sun in his face, amazed to be alive. He lay there for a long time before struggling to his feet. The day was calm now, but evidence of the storm's passing was clear to see. Scattered debris--driftwood, seaweed, and man-made trash littered the beach. The air was still humid and thick in spite of the now cloudless sky. He barely had the energy to walk. He remembered going to sleep and waking in the midst of the storm, but nothing afterward.

His house lay only about a hundred yards away, but it took all his energy to cover the distance. He collapsed on the couch and the painting caught his eye. It brought everything back to him-- seeing the lighthouse and the woman in the wedding dress...but it wasn't the woman in the painting. It was Brooke. She had saved him. He knew it wasn't rational, but how how else could he have survived?

He studied the picture, searching for an explanation. Maybe he'd simply lost consciousness and the ocean saw fit to deposit him on the beach before he drowned. Maybe the lighthouse and the vision of Brooke were only a dream.

But when he went outside again to peer across the sea, he knew she had saved him. She wanted him to live again. She was watching to make sure he did.

Author's note: I wrote this for a contest on fanstory.com. It had to be 1000 words or less and based on the picture they provided. I'm afraid this probably isn't my best work. :(